Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

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I suck at blogging lately. I’ve been too busy with life. I only work three days a week and people are always dumbfounded when I tell them I don’t have a second job. “Wh-what do you do all the time??” is a frequently asked question. Uhhhh….I live. I have lunch with friends, go on dates with my man, have band practice, take classes, bake, cook, obsessively get tattooed, hang out with my dog, go on road trip adventures. That’s what I do.

That said, I should really blog more.

Onward!

* We’ve all read that crazy  letter from a sorority girl by now but today watching Michael Shannon read it aloud with all the proper amounts of insane really made my day.

enhanced-buzz-19371-1364330003-21* Speaking of obsessively getting tattooed, take a gander at these bad ass broads from way back in the day. Back before every girl got a rib piece for their first tattoo.

* What do sheep placenta, fire and bird poop all have in common? Women will pay monies to have it on their faces in the hopes that it will decrease their wrinkles. Yes, fire, I said fire. Jesus christ on a cracker, ladies.

make_a_teepee* Somehow I’m going to make one of these that I can keep in the back of my car so that I can take it to the park all summer. I will be the only asshole at the park with my own teepee. I’m so hipster it hurts. Who doesn’t want to drink tallboys in this bitch??

* Coachella may be over but there are plenty of festivals to don your <gag> festival wear to. Here’s some DIY ideas so that you don’t give your hard earned cash to Urban Outfitters.

* I was going to say I would get married in this dress but then I realized it’s light green and I would like a corpse in it. Also, I’m not getting married so there’s that.

209485701cd733ebfa5533a237e7bb17* How effin’ adorable are these little guys??? I found them here on Pinterest and Pinterest confuses me greatly. So that’s all the info I have for you.

* Speaking of Pinterest, have you checked out Pintester-Fucking up Pinterest Pins So You Don’t Have To. LOVE her. Brilliant.

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* Why yes I would like to stay in a “volcano” or kick it with some giraffes. Gala Darling has rounded up some epic places to stay while on vacation in many magical places that I can’t afford to go to. Wheeeeeeee!

revolve-final* “Elastic waist leather jogging pant”. I can’t make this shit up, kids. Ugh. There’s a whole slew of other “seasonally appropriate leather pants” up for grabs. Because nothing says summer like crotch sweat.

*Lastly, meet two broads I’d like to hang out with:

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Wear It, Work It

I Want To Be A Real Girl

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Every girl has dreamed of having Cher’s closet from Clueless. A closet that lets you see an outfit on yourself and tweak it without every having to get out of your PJs. In lieu of that, since scientists are too busy curing AIDS and growing bacon in a lab, I need a system that’s more man powered.

Am I the only one that has no go-to outfits in my closet? I rarely put together the same clothes twice. Usually this is because in retrospect I hate what I put together or I was drunk when I did so. That’s not a good sign, eh?

I’m not very a good at being a girl sometimes, in spite of my love of drag queenesque amounts of make-up and obsessive hair fuckery. Do real girls have practice nights for themselves where they try on a bunch of shit in varying ways so that they have an arsenal of cute go-to outfits?

My main source of stress on work days isn’t tackling a twelve hour shift, it’s laying in bed with gut panic over that fact that I never have any clue what I’ll be wearing that day. My desire for the snooze button always wins out over carefully picking out something that I won’t hate. Dammit.

Part of the problem could be my habit of buying whatever I like when I go to a store. Throwing things on willy nilly, never with an agenda or an idea of what will go with what I already own. I hear that real girls actually consider these things. Like, do these teal oxfords go with any thing that I currently own? No, they do not. I bought them anyway because someday  I MIGHT own something they will work with!

While I very much doubt that I’ll be motivating myself into dress rehearsals, I am loving The Polyvore Collection for gathering together a ton of inspirational outfits for me to draw from. I actually have a vague idea of what I might wear tomorrow for work. How refreshing! I spent the better part of an hour scrolling through and picked out a few favorites.

 

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Hello summer. I want bra tops and long skirts and the balls to wear them.

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And lots of shorts. Lots.

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If I was even remotely classy, I would love to wear this. I’m mildly obsessed with white pants but I know I would mess them up two seconds after leaving the house.

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I’m totally wearing this to work tomorrow. Except my shoes are  teal.

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Love, perfect, ugh, that hat, want.

Is anyone out there a real girl who can help me have a better organized and productive closet? I need pointers!

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