The Met Gala always sneaks up on me. I was chilling in my bathtub yesterday when BOOM my IG was inundated with Kendall Jenner’s tiny buttcheeks in a see through gown. Each year I write about the fashion and each year I show up to the party about three days late when the snark has all dried and we’ve moved on to more Kardashian butt photos. Side note, a friend of mine told me that you can put a Kardashian blocker on your web browser so that you never have to hear about them. How amazing is that??
The theme this year was Rei Kawakuba/Comme De Garcons which basically means get innovative but who cares because the celebrities pretty much just do whatever they want every year anyway. They generally try to top Rihanna which no one can ever do, this year being no exception.
Let us begin…
If you find yourself saying, huh, who the eff is this poor child in a crochet wetsuit, fear not, you’re not alone. Her mom was a real housewife and her dad is loaded so now she’s a model (after she got her nose and lips done….WHY DO I KNOW THIS???? WHY IS MY BRAIN NOT CAPABLE OF HOLDING ONTO ACTUAL USEFUL FACTS????) Bella is gorgeous and her ex-bf The Weeknd was showing up to this party with his new gf so of course she wanted to look stunning (again, I know I shouldn’t know this stuff as a 37 year old women). So whoever told her that a mohair catsuit was the look obviously is not #teambella.*
*I gotta say, guys, sometimes when this shit flows out of my fingers I really question myself but then I just let it go.
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds
I could not care less how stunning these humans look or how I’m mildly obsessed with that dress. I just want to get beers with them. Or him. Mostly him. Not in a sexual way. I just want to play croquet or shuffle board and shoot the shit with Deadpool.
Apparently Cara shaved her head for a movie role and then got a bunch of flack from internet trolls for not being as pretty without hair….Um…what? Gorgeous alien. The outfit is giving me grown up Judy Jetson but she’s a stunning human with or without hair.
Remember Bella? This is her sister. Also a model, less plastic surgery, dating a former One Direction member who looks like a hot 15 year old…fitting since she looks like a hot 15 year old. Gigi is very much having and Angelina moment with her leg. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you might as well leave this blog now. It was a thing. Mostly I just keep thinking of the lamp from A Christmas Story and I’m pretty sure that’s not what Gigi was going for. But she’s too young to remember that movie anyway.
Oh Katy. Katy, Katy, Katy. Very La Isla Bonita Madonna in the Hunger Games. I may have watched the Part Of Me documentary and openly wept but I cannot with this look. Because Katy Perry, as hard as she tries, will never be avant garde. Not with a blonde buzz cut. Not with Orlando Bloom’s basking-in-the-sunshine weiner on a paddle board. Not eva. But you go girl. You do you.
If you installed the Kardashian blocker on your browser…does this picture show up?? Kidding. Who cares. What you’d be missing is some vapid, self absorbed butt cheeks in glitter netting and a decent bikini wax.
Fun fact: Kylie tried to trademark her name and Kylie Minogue (of Do The Locomotion fame) said, ah hell nah! And shut her down. That made me happy. I do not feel shitty about hating everything about this girl. I stopped blogging for a while because I don’t like contributing to the judgement and hatred of people who are famous. But this girl gets no sympathy from me. Her entire face has been redone which is fiiiiiiiiine by me but be honest. Don’t let 14 year old girls believe that buying your lip kit and contouring will turn them into you. Your children will have thin lips, tiny butts and big chins. Can’t hide DNA.
Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas
The sexiest Carmen San Diego and the most constipated 14 year old to ever grace a red carpet. If they’re dating I will eat my shoe.
Helen Lasichanh and Pharrell Williams
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No one is cooler than these two. Pharrell looks like he’s recovering from getting stung in the face by bees and Helen looks like the kid in the snow suit from A Christmas Story (my god, I just uncovered the TRUE THEME!!!!) but they are still the absolute coolest. Ever. Just google pictures of them and bask in icy wave of barely try, try so hard hipster until your nipples freeze.
Okay so do you remember the trash pile lady in The Labyrinth? The movie with David Bowie’s epic man parts in stretch pants? No? You’re too young, go away. This is what the trash pile lady aspires to be. This is give no fucks, all eyes on me madness and I hate it but I love it because: Rihanna.
Did your mom ever get stuff gift wrapped at a department store and the person doing it hated their job so much that they used a whole roll of tape and a giant bow and called it a day? That is this look.
Remember how I said Pharrell and his wife were the coolest? Scratch that. Solange is the coolest. I want to lay on her sleeping bag coat and absorb her greatness while her album is on full blast and she barely tolerates my presence.
This post is full of way too many references about 80’s movies but I’m highly caffeinated and in a rush. It’s date night and I have a subpar Tom Hanks movie to go watch to appease my husband. But at least it’s a beer theater. Blame him for the fact that Maddona, J. Lo, Kim K and Selena Gomez were left out of this post. Peace!