Shallow End

The Shallow End is back!

Remember when I used to do a weekly grab bag of stupid things I found on the internet? Yeah, me neither because that was in 2013 and I was taking a lot of ambien while drinking wine. Now that I’m writing again, I figured I might as well force you to look at the things that I force myself to look at. Mostly I was inspired by these people who have decided to live as Victorians would have because OHMYGODWHY? But in my gentler, less judgmental old age, I have no desire to light them on fire with my words (that’s not true, I really do) so I decided to just include them in a grab bag of other internet weirdness.


Living the life of a corset wearing, high wheel riding Victorian and then being upset when people gape at you….um….Okay, it’s your right to be different. It’s my right to get heavily tattooed and not have strangers touch my arms. But I also know that when I wear short sleeves or color my hair blue, people will be curious and ask questions. One should never have to deal with death threats or malicious comments but the sometimes tactless and overbearing curiosity is unfortunately inevitable. But let’s get serious, here’s my questions:

-Do you use modern medicine and go to hospitals if surgeries are needed?

-Do you wear a sanitary belt or towel?

-Where do you get toilet paper?

I’m serious. I want to know these things. Moving on……


Thank You For Being A Trend

A couple of gals who watch Golden Girls and then describe and discuss the going ons of each episode. I remember being very disturbed by the episode where Blanche is having sex loudly while singing the song, “Over There”. That and Rose was my fav at the time but now I am obviously a Dorothy.


One more reason I don’t have cats….

I don’t know why I read the “It Happened To Me” section of XOJane. Nine times out of ten it upsets me and makes me feel like a terrible woman because I usually don’t sympathize with whatever the author is ohmygodding about. Granted, there are some truly terrible ones and some very interesting ones but mostly it’s shit like this. You got a ball of cat hair in your vag and now the internet knows. Maybe I AM interested in living a Victorian lifestyle where we don’t SHARE EVERY TINY DETAIL ABOUT OUR CAT HAIR INFESTED LIVES. (Full disclosure, I wrote an ambien rant on the terror of getting my first IUD put in that was graphic and hilarious but I never published it anywhere because WHY MUST I? I did it for me, man.)


The world might end, blame Miley.

A blood moon is happening on September 28th and therefore we’re all going to die. Maybe. Probably not. But let’s put it in the headline anyway. I got married on a blood moon last August. The world did not end and neither did my sex life. Heeeyooooo!


Put your bra on a new way, become a new person?

That guys knows. Apparently we can now tell what sort of a person you are by how you put on your bra. I never knew until three weeks ago that there are different ways to put on a bra but there is and it defines you as a person. I saw multiple girls putting on their bras by clasping it in front and then rotating it around and then putting their arms in. This confuses me so much. It’s so much work!! But apparently it’s a thing and it means you’re a no nonsense lady who makes bold statements. What?

Johnny Depp promoting The Corpse Bride at the Toronto Film Festival, Toronto. September 12, 2005. © Armando Gallo / Retna Ltd. *No Italy* *NO Tabloids / skin mags* *NO USA till December 12, 2005* * Positive Stories Only*


As in man jewelry?? I can’t. I just can’t. I also can’t with a man in vertical striped pants. Pair the two together and yes, you have Johnny Depp asking you if you’d like to be a third with him and his wife and you say, yes you greasy sponge of a man, I will be your third but I’ll do it for the Johnny of yesteryear that probably washed his balls occasionally and whose teeth didn’t look like Werther’s butterscotch candies!!! Now take off those rings, sir!!

I was just at a wedding where someone informed me that men who wear rings are always trying to get you to swing with them. I don’t recall who told me that because there was an open bar and I drank as much free wine as I could fit inside my already tight and of questionable taste dress. And now all men with rings make me laugh.

Are we done yet? Yes, we are for today. The first Shallow End right out of the gate is a wee bit short but that’s better than nothing.

Shallow End

The Shallow End


The Shallow End is supposed to be a weekly grab bag of all the shit I find while dicking around on the internet. It’s a testament to my extreme laziness that even posting once a week seems like too much to bear. Seriously, this goes back to working three days a week and still not finding the time to blog. I’m busy all the damn time right now. WTF? Maybe I can write ten posts today to make up for it.


* I’ve been winging my eyeliner since I was 16 and will probably continue to do so until my eyes become crepey, drooping sockets of flesh. That’s a nice visual. Good job, Monroe. A lot of girls find it really difficult though. So here’s a simple tutorial. Practice, practice, practice.


* Speaking of horrifying visuals, how about couples vacuum sealed inside of bags? Because why not? Flesh Love might just inspire your engagement photos.

* It’s always a bummer finding out that celebrities that like are scientologists.


Style tips from fabulous senior citizens, each who possesses more sass and bad assery than I can ever hope to achieve.


* To quote that tiny human Rachel Zoe, I die for these pictures of Johnny and Winona. Buzzfeed gives us 21 reasons they never should have broken up. Seriously. I die.

* My boyfriend has always harbored aspirations of train hopping. Yup, he’s a big dreamer. I find it fascinating but I’ve met too many one legged train hoppers with tales of drunken nights on the tracks resulting in loss of limb. Okay maybe I know one. But still. I’ll just enjoy the life by looking at these awesome pictures of train hopping teens.

* You know what’s creepy and has nothing to do with fashion? Photographs of death row inmates last meals.

glamping hero1

* Did you know there’s a website for glamping?? Do you even know what glamping is? Well for goodness sake you better learn.

Alright, alright…I’m off to write about Cindy Crawford’s melting face.