You would think that as a 37 year old woman I would not be using my downtime between clients to Google “how to lose weight in 7 days”. My fingers recoiled in shame only slightly as I typed out the words though. Because while, yes, I am an adult, I am also a desperate and vain adult.
I’m going to New Orleans with a group of friends in 8 days. This trip has been planned for months. I had ample time to work out, eat clean…get botox…find a time machine….. go back to 2007 when my ass was 4 inches higher and my high waist jeans didn’t feel like they were cutting off the circulation to my very soul.
But I did not.
I kept doing that thing that we procrastinators do where we look ahead and say, “Oh cool, I have two months left. Plenty of time.”
Which then turns to, “Oh cool, I have a month left. I just need to work hard.”
Which turns to, “Shit, I have two weeks left. I’ll eat super clean, drink gallons of water and stop drinking booze.”
And finally landing at, “FUCK. I have 8 days left, I’ll just drink this laxative tea, eat cotton balls and lettuce, Google weight loss tips from Allure magazine and do lunges across the salon in my downtime.”
I am aware that this is madness.
I am also aware that we are in an age of body positivity and that every body is a bikini body.
I KNOW this in my logical mind. But….
I plan on writing a longer piece about this later on but the bottom line is that I am uncomfortable in my own body. I’ve spent my entire life nitpicking what was essentially an effortlessly thin frame. This year, my metabolism finally hit a wall and I feel like a stranger in a strange land. A land where one cannot subsist on nacho cheese and whiskey alone.
So, yes, every body is beautiful. I just feel that I’ve betrayed mine. Like a really beautiful horse that I promised to take care of, groom and exercise and instead I let it’s mane get matted and it’s gut fall to it’s knees. I’m not body shaming myself. I just know that I’m not taking care of myself.
The appropriate response is, of course, self love, moderation, small changes in diet, exercise and creating good micro habits, right?
It’s panic Googling crash diets!! It’s going to expensive grocery stores and buying activated charcoal and ginger tea to help with bloating!
The point of this post is to document how much this effort pays off in the next 8 days. 8 days of copious water drinking, ginger tea each night, moderately clean eating and random bursts of exercise in between clients. Because this blog is not written by a mature, responsible individual. It’s written by the panicked, vain procrastinator that hides in most all of us.
If you don’t have one, we’re probably not friends but I do envy you.
Stay tuned for my wild transformation, guys!*
*I still really need a font for sarcasm.