Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Grab Bag of Ridiculous

The Shallow End rears it’s ugly head again! The least consistent but always entertaining grab bag that this Thursday has to offer you!

What was David Bowie doing when he was your age? Something WAY cooler than you are currently doing. I can pretty much guarantee that.

-Is anyone else watching the new X-Files? This story about weird sounds in Oregon that can’t be explained made me picture Fox Mulder standing in a field in Forest Grove with his head cocked, listening and wondering if the mothership will descend soon.

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I do have to say DAMN, SCULLY!!! She looks so freakin’ amazing. Duchovny on the other hand looks a little bit like a crumpled paper bag but I still WOULD. Roll Mulder and Hank Moody into one and I’m slayed.

-My therapist is wise and always tells me don’t read the comments!!! Solid advice for a life that doesn’t make you want to throw your computer at a wall.

-Oh, Rihanna. I can’t stop loving you.  I want to be at this club, tipsy on whiskey, hiding in a corner and soaking it all in.

 

 

View story at Medium.com

-If you have somehow not seen “Formation” by Beyonce then you’re missing out on something important. It’s easy to dismiss pop music as meaningless entertainment, as my husband does. I tried talking to him about this video and all I got was an eye roll. This is powerful. My dear friend sent me an article about it that goes into depth about the message behind the imagery.

 

-I will never be cool enough to understand certain fashion trends. Fendi is making ruffle shoes and bags that look like muppets caught in a kaleidoscope.

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-There’s so many articles on how to host an Oscar party. Is this really a thing? People do this? Here’s an idea: Invite all your closest friends, dress up sassy and go to a bar instead. And don’t watch the Oscars. Spoiler alert: Leo is going to win and the bear rape rumors weren’t even true!

-Speaking of Leo, have you seen his Russian “twin”?

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He’s even got an Instagram account where he dresses up like Leo and he got his own reality TV show. What a world we live in!

Now, to go out and enjoy this gorgeous February fake out weather or stay here at work at TREAT and pilfer more candy? MORE CANDY ALWAYS!!!!!!!

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

 

I have a champagne hangover and a mountain of dishes to wash but instead, let us dive headfirst into the shallow end!

-First off, in I HATE EVERYONE news: spooning is sexist now. If you need me I’ll be ripping out my hair, eating it and then moving to the country where there is no internet access.

-But then I’d miss stories like these! Who needs diamonds when you have teeth?!

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Yes, I just made you look at a Buzzfeed article. But it’s better than linking to Jezebel, dammit.

 

-This lady is the most messaged woman on OKcupid and she would like to share her knowledge with you.

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The secret is to have EPIC EYEBROWS!! She’s stunning all around but if it was still culturally relevant to say her brows are “on fleek” or even #onfleek then I would say that. But I’m hip enough to know that the kids aren’t saying that anymore.

Sidenote: Whenever my mom referred to herself as “still hip” when I was a kid I was confused because I thought that meant at some point she would not have hips. I was a very literal kid. 

-I love everything about this.

-It’s gift giving season! I have a tendency to just give everyone bottles of booze because I wait til the last minute and panic. If I wasn’t the queen of procrastination then I would surely be gifting someone a pair of these epic undies from Bullets and Bees. Golden Girls, Alf, Ryan Gosling, kittens!

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-Also on my gift giving list would be every single book by the amazing Chuck Tingle. Do yourself and favor and google image search his name and then die laughing at all his titles. Please do not do that if dinosaur erotica is offensive to you though…

 

-Meet a mysterious lady who smashes her face into different kids of bread. No, seriously. That’s all she does. I fully support this.

-According to Mtv, the next generation of kids will be known as The Founders. They will also be known as the kids who look frantically at their phones when a credit card company recording asks them to press the pound button because all they see is the hashtag button.

I leave you now with the glory that is Ladybaby.

Good day to you, my V Haggers!

 

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

Welcome back to the Shallow End! It’s not really weekly but hey, I can aspire to be that consistent, right?

-Let’s start by learning something! I actually got really excited about this and then I got distracted by celebrity gossip so I’ve yet to learn how to code but now I know I could….if I wanted to…or had the time…oooh, look, a Miley article!

View story at Medium.com

A punk rock approach to living the life of your dreams. I know that sometimes Gala Darling is a little too precious but she also has some really solid life advice. I can’t hate on her just because she’s somehow mastered being a happy person. Dammit.

And now for something totally different….Brooke Candy is fascinating to me. This video is a visual feast of weirdness that NSFW. I may spend too much time googling her when I’ve had some wine….

-In Russia there is a dance studio that is dedicated to the art of twerking. Yup. That’s a thing. I found them about a year ago and I may also spend a fair amount of time drinking wine and desperately wishing I could move my body like they do. Imagine my delight at finding their tumblr page! So much twerk!!

-I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than the work of Agnieszka Osipa. Get lost on her website, follow her on Instagram, let her haunt your dreams.

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Shallow End

The Shallow End

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The Shallow End is supposed to be a weekly grab bag of all the shit I find while dicking around on the internet. It’s a testament to my extreme laziness that even posting once a week seems like too much to bear. Seriously, this goes back to working three days a week and still not finding the time to blog. I’m busy all the damn time right now. WTF? Maybe I can write ten posts today to make up for it.

Anyway…..

* I’ve been winging my eyeliner since I was 16 and will probably continue to do so until my eyes become crepey, drooping sockets of flesh. That’s a nice visual. Good job, Monroe. A lot of girls find it really difficult though. So here’s a simple tutorial. Practice, practice, practice.

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* Speaking of horrifying visuals, how about couples vacuum sealed inside of bags? Because why not? Flesh Love might just inspire your engagement photos.

* It’s always a bummer finding out that celebrities that like are scientologists.

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Style tips from fabulous senior citizens, each who possesses more sass and bad assery than I can ever hope to achieve.

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* To quote that tiny human Rachel Zoe, I die for these pictures of Johnny and Winona. Buzzfeed gives us 21 reasons they never should have broken up. Seriously. I die.

* My boyfriend has always harbored aspirations of train hopping. Yup, he’s a big dreamer. I find it fascinating but I’ve met too many one legged train hoppers with tales of drunken nights on the tracks resulting in loss of limb. Okay maybe I know one. But still. I’ll just enjoy the life by looking at these awesome pictures of train hopping teens.

* You know what’s creepy and has nothing to do with fashion? Photographs of death row inmates last meals.

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* Did you know there’s a website for glamping?? Do you even know what glamping is? Well for goodness sake you better learn.

Alright, alright…I’m off to write about Cindy Crawford’s melting face.

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

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I suck at blogging lately. I’ve been too busy with life. I only work three days a week and people are always dumbfounded when I tell them I don’t have a second job. “Wh-what do you do all the time??” is a frequently asked question. Uhhhh….I live. I have lunch with friends, go on dates with my man, have band practice, take classes, bake, cook, obsessively get tattooed, hang out with my dog, go on road trip adventures. That’s what I do.

That said, I should really blog more.

Onward!

* We’ve all read that crazy  letter from a sorority girl by now but today watching Michael Shannon read it aloud with all the proper amounts of insane really made my day.

enhanced-buzz-19371-1364330003-21* Speaking of obsessively getting tattooed, take a gander at these bad ass broads from way back in the day. Back before every girl got a rib piece for their first tattoo.

* What do sheep placenta, fire and bird poop all have in common? Women will pay monies to have it on their faces in the hopes that it will decrease their wrinkles. Yes, fire, I said fire. Jesus christ on a cracker, ladies.

make_a_teepee* Somehow I’m going to make one of these that I can keep in the back of my car so that I can take it to the park all summer. I will be the only asshole at the park with my own teepee. I’m so hipster it hurts. Who doesn’t want to drink tallboys in this bitch??

* Coachella may be over but there are plenty of festivals to don your <gag> festival wear to. Here’s some DIY ideas so that you don’t give your hard earned cash to Urban Outfitters.

* I was going to say I would get married in this dress but then I realized it’s light green and I would like a corpse in it. Also, I’m not getting married so there’s that.

209485701cd733ebfa5533a237e7bb17* How effin’ adorable are these little guys??? I found them here on Pinterest and Pinterest confuses me greatly. So that’s all the info I have for you.

* Speaking of Pinterest, have you checked out Pintester-Fucking up Pinterest Pins So You Don’t Have To. LOVE her. Brilliant.

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* Why yes I would like to stay in a “volcano” or kick it with some giraffes. Gala Darling has rounded up some epic places to stay while on vacation in many magical places that I can’t afford to go to. Wheeeeeeee!

revolve-final* “Elastic waist leather jogging pant”. I can’t make this shit up, kids. Ugh. There’s a whole slew of other “seasonally appropriate leather pants” up for grabs. Because nothing says summer like crotch sweat.

*Lastly, meet two broads I’d like to hang out with:

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

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Shed your hair suits, people, it’s summer fake out!

Here in Portland we’ve got a nice thing called summer fake out. Or perhaps it’s the patron saint of PDX smiling down at us, giving us an effin’ break, before the doom and gloom that May and June tend to be. Either way, the sun is shining, skin is showing, drinks on patios are flowing and the city has come alive.

Grab bag!

*Actresses without teeth. Or meth mouth. Quite possibly the most disgusting and amazing thing I’ve seen all week.

 

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* Someone please buy me this dress from ROMWE. I want to wear it with motorcycle boots and an army jacket or with heels and my ever present sock bun. I need it.

*The Beauty Department always has such good tips and tricks that I can never pick just one to post here. Therefore, go there and prettyify yourself with ALL of them.

*This is a really sweet love story about two burn victims who met at a support group. Love for all is a wonderful thing.

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*Celebrity face swaps, perhaps better than toothless actresses.

* In this day of constant instagramming and FB photos, we could all use a little help looking hotter in pictures. Though it’s hard to remember these helpful hints when one is bombed on whiskey.

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* Lady Gaga has a gold wheelchair because of course she does. She’s recovering from hip surgery and is a pimp. Oh but wait, one ridiculous wheelchair is not enough. For the nights when you go out to strip clubs and fast food joints, you need a more subtle yet still classy wheelchair. One made by Louis Vuitton.

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* Make your own dip dye shirts and tons of other cool DIY fashion projects. Pretty sure my shirt would look nothing like that and my kitchen would look like a tar bomb went off but hey, most of you aren’t trained chimps like me so give it a go!

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*Pretty fascinated by the collection of tattoo pictures of a style in France called Xoil. Though my boyfriend pointed out that it helps that all of them are on very attractive people. Still, I think it’s beautiful.

There’s a high of 64 degrees today. It’s no 75 but it’s nothing to sneeze at. I say get your ass to a patio and have a cocktail. Sure it’s Monday and some of you have real jobs but really, is that an excuse?

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

Cherry Blossom Girl

Happy Monday, V-Haggers! The sun is out, the cherry trees are in bloom and it’s my birthday week! I’m about to have four days off of work but that doesn’t mean that I’ll actually getting any blogging done. I’ll be too busy being awesome and turning 33 god damn years old.

* If you love Joseph Gordon Levitt, as you should, then you should go watch this video of him on Jeopardy in 1997. Adorable, voice cracking enthusiasm. Guh.

* I currently have my make-up set up in a corner of my living room in front of a floor length mirror. I sit on a pillow in front of a heater vent and make a mess out of everything. So these tips on organizing your make-up are freakin’ awesome. I think want to do the framed cookie sheet magnet idea. Genius!

* Holy balls, plastic surgery can be terrifying. Why is Madonna’s face becoming wider and wider? Does her plastic surgeon beat the wrinkles out with a shovel? I’m boggled.

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* Yes, I really did scroll through 15 pictures of Ryan Gosling pumping gas. And I enjoyed it. Also supremely enjoyable, every picture of him and his dog that the internet has to offer. God bless you, Buzzfeed.

*Apparently Yoko Ono makes clothes now. Horrible clothes that she’s ganking from someone else’s designs. Who knew two people could both want credit for such horrid looking shit?

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* It’s almost bathing suit season. Well, we have three more months til that here but in some parts of the country it’s already warm enough to doff your clothes and put on adorable swimsuits. I just really wanted to use the word doff. Amy Elizabeth Couture is a PDX based swimsuit company that makes unique suits and even takes custom orders. Cuteness abounds at her Etsy shop.

 

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*I love drag make-up so much it hurts. If you can’t appreciate the skill involved then you can suck it. Also, that person above is so god damn gorgeous, male or female. Seriously, people.

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* I could look at drag and excited dogs all day long. Fo’ real.

Speaking of which, I’m going to settle in with some cheap beer and watch a few episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race and hope that motivation and inspiration strike me hard enough to write an actual blog post instead of just a grab bag!

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