Awards Shows, fashion

The Met Gala 2017: The I’m gonna be nice edition

 

The Met Gala always sneaks up on me. I was chilling in my bathtub yesterday when BOOM my IG was inundated with Kendall Jenner’s tiny buttcheeks in a see through gown. Each year I write about the fashion and each year I show up to the party about three days late when the snark has all dried and we’ve moved on to more Kardashian butt photos. Side note, a friend of mine told me that you can put a Kardashian blocker on your web browser so that you never have to hear about them. How amazing is that??

The theme this year was Rei Kawakuba/Comme De Garcons which basically means get innovative but who cares because the celebrities pretty much just do whatever they want every year anyway. They generally try to top Rihanna which no one can ever do, this year being no exception.

Let us begin…

Bella Hadid

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If you find yourself saying, huh, who the eff is this poor child in a crochet wetsuit, fear not, you’re not alone. Her mom was a real housewife and her dad is loaded so now she’s a model (after she got her nose and lips done….WHY DO I KNOW THIS???? WHY IS MY BRAIN NOT CAPABLE OF HOLDING ONTO ACTUAL USEFUL FACTS????) Bella is gorgeous and her ex-bf The Weeknd was showing up to this party with his new gf so of course she wanted to look stunning (again, I know I shouldn’t know this stuff as a 37 year old women). So whoever told her that a mohair catsuit was the look obviously is not #teambella.*
*I gotta say, guys, sometimes when this shit flows out of my fingers I really question myself but then I just let it go.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds

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I could not care less how stunning these humans look or how I’m mildly obsessed with that dress. I just want to get beers with them. Or him. Mostly him. Not in a sexual way. I just want to play croquet or shuffle board and shoot the shit with Deadpool.

Cara Delevingne

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Apparently Cara shaved her head for a movie role and then got a bunch of flack from internet trolls for not being as pretty without hair….Um…what? Gorgeous alien. The outfit is giving me grown up Judy Jetson but she’s a stunning human with or without hair. 

Gigi Hadid

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Remember Bella? This is her sister. Also a model, less plastic surgery, dating a former One Direction member who looks like a hot 15 year old…fitting since she looks like a hot 15 year old. Gigi is very much having and Angelina moment with her leg. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you might as well leave this blog now. It was a thing. Mostly I just keep thinking of the lamp from A Christmas Story and I’m pretty sure that’s not what Gigi was going for. But she’s too young to remember that movie anyway.

Katy Perry

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Oh Katy. Katy, Katy, Katy. Very La Isla Bonita Madonna in the Hunger Games. I may have watched the Part Of Me documentary and openly wept but I cannot with this look. Because Katy Perry, as hard as she tries, will never be avant garde. Not with a blonde buzz cut. Not with Orlando Bloom’s basking-in-the-sunshine weiner on a paddle board. Not eva. But you go girl. You do you.

Kendall Jenner

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If you installed the Kardashian blocker on your browser…does this picture show up?? Kidding. Who cares. What you’d be missing is some vapid, self absorbed butt cheeks in glitter netting and a decent bikini wax.

Kylie Jenner

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Fun fact: Kylie tried to trademark her name and Kylie Minogue (of Do The Locomotion fame) said, ah hell nah! And shut her down. That made me happy. I do not feel shitty about hating everything about this girl. I stopped blogging for a while because I don’t like contributing to the judgement and hatred of people who are famous. But this girl gets no sympathy from me. Her entire face has been redone which is fiiiiiiiiine by me but be honest. Don’t let 14 year old girls believe that buying your lip kit and contouring will turn them into you. Your children will have thin lips, tiny butts and big chins. Can’t hide DNA.

Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas

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The sexiest Carmen San Diego and the most constipated 14 year old to ever grace a red carpet. If they’re dating I will eat my shoe.

Helen Lasichanh and Pharrell Williams

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No one is cooler than these two. Pharrell looks like he’s recovering from getting stung in the face by bees and Helen looks like the kid in the snow suit from A Christmas Story (my god, I just uncovered the TRUE THEME!!!!) but they are still the absolute coolest. Ever. Just google pictures of them and bask in icy wave of barely try, try so hard hipster until your nipples freeze.

RIHANNA!!!!!

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Okay so do you remember the trash pile lady in The Labyrinth? The movie with David Bowie’s epic man parts in stretch pants? No? You’re too young, go away. This is what the trash pile lady aspires to be. This is give no fucks, all eyes on me madness and I hate it but I love it because: Rihanna.

Rita Ora

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Did your mom ever get stuff gift wrapped at a department store and the person doing it hated their job so much that they used a whole roll of tape and a giant bow and called it a day? That is this look.

Solange

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Remember how I said Pharrell and his wife were the coolest? Scratch that. Solange is the coolest. I want to lay on her sleeping bag coat and absorb her greatness while her album is on full blast and she barely tolerates my presence.

This post is full of way too many references about 80’s movies but I’m highly caffeinated and in a rush. It’s date night and I have a subpar Tom Hanks movie to go watch to appease my husband. But at least it’s a beer theater. Blame him for the fact that Maddona, J. Lo, Kim K and Selena Gomez were left out of this post. Peace!

 

 

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Grab Bag of Ridiculous

The Shallow End rears it’s ugly head again! The least consistent but always entertaining grab bag that this Thursday has to offer you!

What was David Bowie doing when he was your age? Something WAY cooler than you are currently doing. I can pretty much guarantee that.

-Is anyone else watching the new X-Files? This story about weird sounds in Oregon that can’t be explained made me picture Fox Mulder standing in a field in Forest Grove with his head cocked, listening and wondering if the mothership will descend soon.

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I do have to say DAMN, SCULLY!!! She looks so freakin’ amazing. Duchovny on the other hand looks a little bit like a crumpled paper bag but I still WOULD. Roll Mulder and Hank Moody into one and I’m slayed.

-My therapist is wise and always tells me don’t read the comments!!! Solid advice for a life that doesn’t make you want to throw your computer at a wall.

-Oh, Rihanna. I can’t stop loving you.  I want to be at this club, tipsy on whiskey, hiding in a corner and soaking it all in.

 

 

View story at Medium.com

-If you have somehow not seen “Formation” by Beyonce then you’re missing out on something important. It’s easy to dismiss pop music as meaningless entertainment, as my husband does. I tried talking to him about this video and all I got was an eye roll. This is powerful. My dear friend sent me an article about it that goes into depth about the message behind the imagery.

 

-I will never be cool enough to understand certain fashion trends. Fendi is making ruffle shoes and bags that look like muppets caught in a kaleidoscope.

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-There’s so many articles on how to host an Oscar party. Is this really a thing? People do this? Here’s an idea: Invite all your closest friends, dress up sassy and go to a bar instead. And don’t watch the Oscars. Spoiler alert: Leo is going to win and the bear rape rumors weren’t even true!

-Speaking of Leo, have you seen his Russian “twin”?

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He’s even got an Instagram account where he dresses up like Leo and he got his own reality TV show. What a world we live in!

Now, to go out and enjoy this gorgeous February fake out weather or stay here at work at TREAT and pilfer more candy? MORE CANDY ALWAYS!!!!!!!

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Advice, fashion, Social Commentary

Dammit, Nasty Gal

It’s been two months now (that is a total guesstamation) since I’ve bought any clothing from Forever21 or H&M. Or at least it’s been long enough that I genuinely can’t remember the last time I spent an hour cruising through the multi floored Clackamas Town Center Forever21, loading my arms up with $19 Stevie Nicksy velvet dresses and $4 tank tops. I think the addiction has officially been killed.

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Also, come on now….

I’m impressed with myself because I work pretty much only on a system of instant gratification. But once I put it on the damn blog, I usually have to follow through.

Sidenote: my winter coat is from Forever21. A big beast of a tan parka lined with faux fur. I got it at Buffalo Exchange during last year’s HUGE snow storm (sarcasm font, where is my sarcasm font??) and ladies fall all over themselves over that  jacket. But dammit, it was second hand so I feel less bad about it.

So where have I been shopping instead?

The honest answer is I have no idea where to shop currently.

I was all excited about Nasty Gal since I can buy clothing made in good ol’ Los Angeles. A higher price point and a made in the USA tag made me feel like I was doing something better than giving to the fast fashion empire of Forever21.

But then you read articles like this detailing how the Nasty Gal founder is a bad boss who fires pregnant women to avoid paying maternity leave and if that wasn’t enough finding things like this about sweatshops in L.A..

Granted, running a million dollar brand isn’t done by just one person. It’s not like Sophia Amoruso is calling every single shot. But still. It makes me feel a bit icky supporting that.

So I’m back on the hunt for affordably priced clothing that isn’t made in sweatshops and don’t have terrible people running the business.

Deep sigh here, kids.

Alta Gracia  is a living wage company and that’s awesome. I sure do wish their clothing was…fashionable….

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Reformation makes legit, beautiful clothes that I can’t find any reason to not buy. Other than paying over $100 for one dress is hard to swallow.

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Though I know all the work that can go into sewing one dress. Paying $100 shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It means having less pieces in your closet but having better quality ones. Dresses that maybe you won’t fling on the floor and let your dog sleep on….

Good Guide can hep you figure out everything from if your shampoo is green to the social impact of the clothing you buy. Sounds useful and depressing!

These are big changes to make. Green shampoo, cruelty free make-up, ethical clothing. Not to mention what you eat, the trash you produce and OHMYGODMYHEADISGOINGTOEXPLODE!!!!!!!!

Take it in baby steps. Do a little research. Pick one thing and focus on it. I’ll be here at my desk, slugging down ethically grown coffee and organic nacho cheese shots and trying to find more ethical fashion for you to throw money at.

xo-Monroe

 

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Boggled, dammit, fashion, Social Commentary

The Cult Of Fast Fashion

Hello, my name is Monroe and I’m a fast fashionaholic. It’s been 1 month since I’ve purchased a $4.80 tank top from Forever 21 and 3 weeks since buying a sweater for $14.99 from H&M.

As we go into winter months and my closet is still brimming with flimsy tanks meant for 90 degree river trips, it’s hard to not steer my car towards the nearest mall. Plus I love a good mall pretzel in cold weather. Or any weather. Basically just cover me in nacho cheese and call it a day.

I, like most women,  avoided watching The True Cost. It sat there on Netflix, totally free and ready to be streamed. It waited patiently next to Blackfish. Things I cared about, wanted to know about but also knew would be upsetting to watch and thus started a marathon of The Great British Baking Show instead.

But I finally did watch it and the images can’t be unseen. I can’t buy a $3 tank top and know why it’s that cheap and how it got into my hands and be okay with that.

Duh. We all know that before we even watch it. But it’s very easy to avoid watching it. To fully be aware that what we’re doing is wrong but to keep doing it because it’s easy and convenient.

This chick. Oy. She does these videos all the time and she’s now “youtube famous”. Yes, I put quotes around it like a damn grandma because it’s not a real thing to me. I hate that it’s a thing. Oh and now she’s trying to be a singer. Barf. But hey, you go girl…

Pretty sure Bethany Mota doesn’t give two shits about where all her “hauls” come from or who made them. She’s even in The True Cost in a compilation clip of fashion vloggers holding up all their bags and bags of clothes. Even if you did sit her down and make her watch it, I can’t imagine she would care because now she’s in business with these companies, making perfumes and being free advertising for them.

Barf. Barf to you being irresponsible with your platform.

But hey, girl power…..

I’m trying, guys. I’m trying to be nice.

I’ve spent my entire adult life shopping at stores like Forever21 (and joking that there needs to be a Forever31) because I don’t want to grow up and pay $50 for a tank top. I didn’t want the inconvenience of having to find clothes made in the USA or by local designers. It’s a hell of a hard habit to break.

Using cruelty free products, not buying fast fashion, knowing where your food comes from, working out and eating things other than nacho cheese.  These are all adult, responsible things we should be doing. They are hard. They take more time. They make us cranky.

Do it anyway. 

Pick one. Start doing it. 

I started with cosmetics, now I’m working on my closet. I only buy nice cheese from places I know because I don’t have the strength to not occasionally bathe in nacho cheese. Someday I’ll work out again. After December….

In honor of that, all month I’ll feature different designers/small businesses that you can give your money to in good conscience. I’ve been doing a lot of research. And by research I mean I may have spent too much while cyber Monday shopping…..

But by all means, please tell me some places to shop that are ethical, don’t look like cult clothes and won’t cost me $300 for a t-shirt.

I can’t stop with the polls now. Just because you guys love turtles so much.

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Awards Shows, fashion

No Pants Party! AMA Fashion Edition

Last night it seemed like a good idea to drink a bottle of white wine, eat half a pint of ice cream and watch Good Luck Chuck. I think it’s safe to say I’m feeling embarrassed about my life decisions. Mostly because I watched a Dane Cook movie of my own free will. So instead of unpacking things in my newly purchased house (!!!) like an actual adult, I’m laying in bed and looking at photos of celebrities who attended the American Music Awards last night. In order to further delay adulting, let’s focus on fashion instead of reading 18 more depressing news stories about Donald Trump on Facebook.

First off, there’s a severe lack of pants at this party. Also, I am currently not wearing pants in solidarity with Gwen Stefani.

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The latest in goth swimwear. Doubles as a bug net and can be turned into a shelter in the forest. On the reals though, I would definitely kill a kitten to look like Gwen at age 46. I mean, GOOD GOD, PEOPLE. There is 100% a place that these older pop stars are going to bathe in the blood of virgins.

 

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Jennifer Lopez

This lady is also 46. She also obviously is lounging in a pool of virgin blood with Gwen. Maybe they discuss their failed marriages while drinking kale and botox juice. Either way, WOW. That dress though, hard pass on the breast bondage.

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Ariana Grande

Look, it’s a tiny, irritating ice skater wearing comically large Minnie Mouse high heels. You make my hangover more hangyovery.

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Nicki Minaj

If Blanche from Golden Girls was going out for a night on the town looking for some man action, she would wear this. Or if She-Ra was going to an awards show, she would love this dress. If you’re too young to get She-Ra jokes then you need to get off my blog.

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Keltie Knight

The only reason that I know who this chick is, is that my best friend once tried to set me up with Keltie’s husband. Obviously, this was before he was married to Keltie. Apparently I was not his type. His type is Keltie. He bought Keltie a HUUUUUGE ring. I can’t stop typing Keltie because it sounds like a type of irish horse breed. No shade. (Lies) That dress looks like the inside of a leprechaun’s car.

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Jenny McCarthy

When you find that you’ve become irrelevant due to the fact that you’ve single handedly ruined your career by becoming the poster child for the anti-vac movement, dressing like an extra from Austin Powers will not re-light your dying stardom. Also, Jenny is only 43 and looks it. She’s not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub with J Lo and Gwen.

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WHY IS WINNIE COOPER AT THE AMAS? No, seriously, why?

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Julianne Hough

As a waxer, I’m thrilled that fashion is taking a turn towards exposing your bikini area when in formal wear. This means I’ll continue to have a job and perhaps even a rush of business. Though this trend has not yet made it’s way to Portland, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

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Jennifer Lopez again…

Another look that will require some waxing beforehand. Solid choice, J Lo! Though I’m confused as to how one sits in this dress. Perhaps the bathing in blood gives one the power to levitate as well and therefore she doesn’t need to sit.

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Demi Lovato

The latest in hunting camo couture. Perfect for getting your man’s attention during duck hunting season.

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Paula Abdul

I did a lot of dancing around my room to Cold Hearted Snake as a kid. Paula is 53 and not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub either. I’m pretty sure that gold collar is keeping her head propped up for her.

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Hailee Steinfield

Let’s ignore the fact that she’s wearing stripper heels and a sexy school band uniform and focus on the fact that her debut single is an ode to masturbation. I LOVE IT.

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Carrie Underwood

“Take the fucking picture and don’t tell me to show you the sleeves again. FML, I would so much rather be in sweatpants watching re-runs of Drag Race and eating beef jerky dipped in frosting.”-This is what I think is going through her head because every time I read an interview with her she seems to just not give a shit about stardom and I dig that.

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Ciara

If you ever want to feel motivated to work out and eat less bread, just watch any Ciara video ever. Fair warning though, it may have the reverse effect and you might decide to go on a donut binge instead because we all know we’ll never in our wildest dreams be as hot as her.

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Ellie Goulding

This dress appears to have been made during Project Runway’s unconventional materials challenge. Or it’s from Rave. I really need to stop making Rave jokes since no one who isn’t from small town Northern California knows what it is. It’s worse than Wet Seal, people!! Also, who the F named a teen clothing store Wet Seal?

 

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Irritating, tiny ice skater is back….

I hope she impales herself on that award. That’s another Project Runway dress. A losing one. AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!!


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Kendall Jenner

All jokes aside, for the love of god, get this girl some In n’ Out.

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Kylie Jenner

Kylie has 40 MILLION  Instagram followers. That is terrifying and gives me no hope for the future. I hope she’s going to renfair after this to show off that dress.

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Gigi Hadid

My problem with Gigi is that she has an epically gorgeous body and then the face of a pretty 12 year old. Much like Selena Gomez. It’s very disconcerting. Also, this just in: I’M OLD.

Shockingly, my ass is starting to hurt from sitting in bed and blogging. This must be yet another sign that I’m old. I can’t even lounge in bed without it hurting. GREAT. How do I get into that virgin blood hot tub with Gwen and J Lo? I’ll bring the kale juice, guys! Invite meeeeeee!!!

Is it worth it to keep doing these fashion round ups?

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health and fitness, Wear It

Health Goth Goes Shopping

health goth
I’m working out with a trainer three days a week and I’ve never owned so many sports bras in my life. It’s disgusting. Never did I think I would thrill at the thought of new sports bras but yup, I am now that girl. However, I draw the line at color. You will not catch me in neon anything.
For my first few months at the gym I was wearing old leggings and muscle tees. I saw no point in buying overpriced  clothes just to dump sweat into them and throw them in the wash. And I stand by not spending $90 on yoga pants (ahem, Lululemon). That. Is. Stupid. But I do now understand purchasing clothes that were actually meant to be worked out in. For one, they perform better. Sweat wicking fabrics make your breasts less like suffocating bats during your workout. Your cotton tee just absorbs your boob sweat and then lays on your ladies like…a wet t-shirt… Secondly, if you feel sassy and excited when you put on your workout gear, you’re more likely to get your ass to the gym. I find laying out my gear the night before motivates me to crawl out of the husband and dog fart cocoon that is my bed and get moving.
I’m slowly amassing a collection of black, black, black and occasionally grey workout gear. So why not do a health goth collection every now and again here at VH to inspire myself and other likeminded health goths.
Here’s to working out! So that we can continue to drink too much, bum cigarettes from people, eat cheesy tots at two am and never drink enough water.

J tomson
amazon.com

Under Armour activewear top
$46 – nelly.com

Sports bra
victoriassecret.com

Puma shoes
puma.com

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fashion

Die! Dead and Buried Trends of 2013

Everyone is doing their year end list of trends that they’d like to see shoved into a coffin and buried six feet under. I’ve seen everything from high/low hems to crop tops being spat upon. There were things being denounced that I didn’t even realize were trends in 2013. Jackets worn as capes? That was happening? Skinny jeans on guys? Pretty sure that’s been happening for the last seven years at least.

I’d like to present my own top five “must die” trends of 2013 but I’m going to follow it with my “please live on” trends for 2014. This all goes along with my less snarky, more positive game plan for the new year. With that said, I have five things to complain about.

1. Knuckle tattoos on people with no arm tattoos

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I’m not trying to be a tattoo elitist. I have some dumb tattoos. But to me knuckles come after sleeves. Or at least a whole lot of other tattoos. Knuckle tattoos on someone with no other visible tattoos says that you picked the most noticeable place because you want people to know you’re tattooed and to be interested in you because of it. Most of my heavily tattooed friends would really rather not talk to strangers about their artwork. It’s an unavoidable side effect of getting tattooed but it’s not the main objective. Also, you picked a place that will (whether you choose to believe it or not) limit your career options. Don’t see a ton of lawyers or second grade teachers with knuckle tattoos, do you?

But hey, don’t take a random fashion blogger’s advice. How about the opinion of an actual tattoo artist who explains it more elegantly than I ever could.

2. Lace up wedge booties

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These bumbling Quasimodo booties kill me. The bubble toe, the fake suede. It’s all so horse hoofy. Stop it. Just no.

3. Bone jewelry

Now before you get all angry let me preface this by saying that I loved this when I first started seeing it a few years back. Then 2013 became the year of every god damn Etsy shop selling raccoon dickbone earrings and muskrat skull tiaras. I started following Lady Locks Creations on instgram a while back. She’s an oregon based designer who creates some beautiful pieces. I got my girl, Olivia, a coyote tooth necklace from her to celebrate her marriage to her cosmic twin.

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Nowadays Etsy is chock-a-block with bone accessories and I’m not just saying that because I wanted to say “chock-a-block”.  People are jumping on the bandwagon but they’re barely even trying. The quality and creativity has gone way down hill. It used to be people with a genuine interest in animal bones, preserving and taxidermy. I say kudos to those people. And pooh on the people glue gunning a bat skull to a brooch and hawking them for $80.

4. Paying attention to Miley Cyrus

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2013 was the year of the internet getting it’s panties in a bunch about something new every god damn day. From “rapey” pop songs (still not a word, still not about rape) to calling out everything that might-maybe-could possibly be racist to obsessively watching/judging/finger wagging Miley Cyrus.

Just stop. She’s 21. In fact just relax about pretty much everything. I’m speaking to myself as well.

5. Cut outs in weird places

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If there’s any trend that makes men go, “HUH?!” It’s gotta be this one. I just confirmed this by showing those photos to several drunk men who were all so thoroughly baffled that all they could do was look disgusted.

Perhaps it’s from growing up in a small town with a lot of white trash girls but the shoulder cut out always screams “I shop at RAVE!”. Apparently that joke is pointless because RAVE doesn’t exist anymore. Just know it was the slutty, cheaper cousin of Wet Seal.

Runner ups!

* Crushed velvet baby doll dress, especially in cranberry. Though my eighth grade self would claw my eyes out for this.

*  Shaving one side of your head. It’s not that I don’t think a lot of girls pulled it off. It’s that I saw an 11 year old in a polo shirt skulking along the road rocking it. I think it’s a good rule that when a trend trickles down to pre-teens, it’s time to move on.  Let’s switch it up. Try shaving the middle and leaving the sides!

*Black Milk leggings. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ladies. But most of us shouldn’t wear leggings as pants. Especially leggings with human muscle anatomy printed on them.

And now I take off my crown on snark and replace it with my tiara of glee to report on trends that I refuse to stop loving!

xo-Monroe

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