Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Grab Bag of Ridiculous

The Shallow End rears it’s ugly head again! The least consistent but always entertaining grab bag that this Thursday has to offer you!

What was David Bowie doing when he was your age? Something WAY cooler than you are currently doing. I can pretty much guarantee that.

-Is anyone else watching the new X-Files? This story about weird sounds in Oregon that can’t be explained made me picture Fox Mulder standing in a field in Forest Grove with his head cocked, listening and wondering if the mothership will descend soon.


I do have to say DAMN, SCULLY!!! She looks so freakin’ amazing. Duchovny on the other hand looks a little bit like a crumpled paper bag but I still WOULD. Roll Mulder and Hank Moody into one and I’m slayed.

-My therapist is wise and always tells me don’t read the comments!!! Solid advice for a life that doesn’t make you want to throw your computer at a wall.

-Oh, Rihanna. I can’t stop loving you.  I want to be at this club, tipsy on whiskey, hiding in a corner and soaking it all in.



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-If you have somehow not seen “Formation” by Beyonce then you’re missing out on something important. It’s easy to dismiss pop music as meaningless entertainment, as my husband does. I tried talking to him about this video and all I got was an eye roll. This is powerful. My dear friend sent me an article about it that goes into depth about the message behind the imagery.


-I will never be cool enough to understand certain fashion trends. Fendi is making ruffle shoes and bags that look like muppets caught in a kaleidoscope.


-There’s so many articles on how to host an Oscar party. Is this really a thing? People do this? Here’s an idea: Invite all your closest friends, dress up sassy and go to a bar instead. And don’t watch the Oscars. Spoiler alert: Leo is going to win and the bear rape rumors weren’t even true!

-Speaking of Leo, have you seen his Russian “twin”?


He’s even got an Instagram account where he dresses up like Leo and he got his own reality TV show. What a world we live in!

Now, to go out and enjoy this gorgeous February fake out weather or stay here at work at TREAT and pilfer more candy? MORE CANDY ALWAYS!!!!!!!

Advice, fashion, Social Commentary

Dammit, Nasty Gal

It’s been two months now (that is a total guesstamation) since I’ve bought any clothing from Forever21 or H&M. Or at least it’s been long enough that I genuinely can’t remember the last time I spent an hour cruising through the multi floored Clackamas Town Center Forever21, loading my arms up with $19 Stevie Nicksy velvet dresses and $4 tank tops. I think the addiction has officially been killed.


Also, come on now….

I’m impressed with myself because I work pretty much only on a system of instant gratification. But once I put it on the damn blog, I usually have to follow through.

Sidenote: my winter coat is from Forever21. A big beast of a tan parka lined with faux fur. I got it at Buffalo Exchange during last year’s HUGE snow storm (sarcasm font, where is my sarcasm font??) and ladies fall all over themselves over that  jacket. But dammit, it was second hand so I feel less bad about it.

So where have I been shopping instead?

The honest answer is I have no idea where to shop currently.

I was all excited about Nasty Gal since I can buy clothing made in good ol’ Los Angeles. A higher price point and a made in the USA tag made me feel like I was doing something better than giving to the fast fashion empire of Forever21.

But then you read articles like this detailing how the Nasty Gal founder is a bad boss who fires pregnant women to avoid paying maternity leave and if that wasn’t enough finding things like this about sweatshops in L.A..

Granted, running a million dollar brand isn’t done by just one person. It’s not like Sophia Amoruso is calling every single shot. But still. It makes me feel a bit icky supporting that.

So I’m back on the hunt for affordably priced clothing that isn’t made in sweatshops and don’t have terrible people running the business.

Deep sigh here, kids.

Alta Gracia  is a living wage company and that’s awesome. I sure do wish their clothing was…fashionable….



Reformation makes legit, beautiful clothes that I can’t find any reason to not buy. Other than paying over $100 for one dress is hard to swallow.


Though I know all the work that can go into sewing one dress. Paying $100 shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It means having less pieces in your closet but having better quality ones. Dresses that maybe you won’t fling on the floor and let your dog sleep on….

Good Guide can hep you figure out everything from if your shampoo is green to the social impact of the clothing you buy. Sounds useful and depressing!

These are big changes to make. Green shampoo, cruelty free make-up, ethical clothing. Not to mention what you eat, the trash you produce and OHMYGODMYHEADISGOINGTOEXPLODE!!!!!!!!

Take it in baby steps. Do a little research. Pick one thing and focus on it. I’ll be here at my desk, slugging down ethically grown coffee and organic nacho cheese shots and trying to find more ethical fashion for you to throw money at.



Awards Shows, fashion

No Pants Party! AMA Fashion Edition

Last night it seemed like a good idea to drink a bottle of white wine, eat half a pint of ice cream and watch Good Luck Chuck. I think it’s safe to say I’m feeling embarrassed about my life decisions. Mostly because I watched a Dane Cook movie of my own free will. So instead of unpacking things in my newly purchased house (!!!) like an actual adult, I’m laying in bed and looking at photos of celebrities who attended the American Music Awards last night. In order to further delay adulting, let’s focus on fashion instead of reading 18 more depressing news stories about Donald Trump on Facebook.

First off, there’s a severe lack of pants at this party. Also, I am currently not wearing pants in solidarity with Gwen Stefani.


The latest in goth swimwear. Doubles as a bug net and can be turned into a shelter in the forest. On the reals though, I would definitely kill a kitten to look like Gwen at age 46. I mean, GOOD GOD, PEOPLE. There is 100% a place that these older pop stars are going to bathe in the blood of virgins.



Jennifer Lopez

This lady is also 46. She also obviously is lounging in a pool of virgin blood with Gwen. Maybe they discuss their failed marriages while drinking kale and botox juice. Either way, WOW. That dress though, hard pass on the breast bondage.


Ariana Grande

Look, it’s a tiny, irritating ice skater wearing comically large Minnie Mouse high heels. You make my hangover more hangyovery.


Nicki Minaj

If Blanche from Golden Girls was going out for a night on the town looking for some man action, she would wear this. Or if She-Ra was going to an awards show, she would love this dress. If you’re too young to get She-Ra jokes then you need to get off my blog.


Keltie Knight

The only reason that I know who this chick is, is that my best friend once tried to set me up with Keltie’s husband. Obviously, this was before he was married to Keltie. Apparently I was not his type. His type is Keltie. He bought Keltie a HUUUUUGE ring. I can’t stop typing Keltie because it sounds like a type of irish horse breed. No shade. (Lies) That dress looks like the inside of a leprechaun’s car.


Jenny McCarthy

When you find that you’ve become irrelevant due to the fact that you’ve single handedly ruined your career by becoming the poster child for the anti-vac movement, dressing like an extra from Austin Powers will not re-light your dying stardom. Also, Jenny is only 43 and looks it. She’s not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub with J Lo and Gwen.




Julianne Hough

As a waxer, I’m thrilled that fashion is taking a turn towards exposing your bikini area when in formal wear. This means I’ll continue to have a job and perhaps even a rush of business. Though this trend has not yet made it’s way to Portland, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.


Jennifer Lopez again…

Another look that will require some waxing beforehand. Solid choice, J Lo! Though I’m confused as to how one sits in this dress. Perhaps the bathing in blood gives one the power to levitate as well and therefore she doesn’t need to sit.


Demi Lovato

The latest in hunting camo couture. Perfect for getting your man’s attention during duck hunting season.


Paula Abdul

I did a lot of dancing around my room to Cold Hearted Snake as a kid. Paula is 53 and not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub either. I’m pretty sure that gold collar is keeping her head propped up for her.


Hailee Steinfield

Let’s ignore the fact that she’s wearing stripper heels and a sexy school band uniform and focus on the fact that her debut single is an ode to masturbation. I LOVE IT.


Carrie Underwood

“Take the fucking picture and don’t tell me to show you the sleeves again. FML, I would so much rather be in sweatpants watching re-runs of Drag Race and eating beef jerky dipped in frosting.”-This is what I think is going through her head because every time I read an interview with her she seems to just not give a shit about stardom and I dig that.



If you ever want to feel motivated to work out and eat less bread, just watch any Ciara video ever. Fair warning though, it may have the reverse effect and you might decide to go on a donut binge instead because we all know we’ll never in our wildest dreams be as hot as her.


Ellie Goulding

This dress appears to have been made during Project Runway’s unconventional materials challenge. Or it’s from Rave. I really need to stop making Rave jokes since no one who isn’t from small town Northern California knows what it is. It’s worse than Wet Seal, people!! Also, who the F named a teen clothing store Wet Seal?



Irritating, tiny ice skater is back….

I hope she impales herself on that award. That’s another Project Runway dress. A losing one. AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!!


Kendall Jenner

All jokes aside, for the love of god, get this girl some In n’ Out.


Kylie Jenner

Kylie has 40 MILLION  Instagram followers. That is terrifying and gives me no hope for the future. I hope she’s going to renfair after this to show off that dress.


Gigi Hadid

My problem with Gigi is that she has an epically gorgeous body and then the face of a pretty 12 year old. Much like Selena Gomez. It’s very disconcerting. Also, this just in: I’M OLD.

Shockingly, my ass is starting to hurt from sitting in bed and blogging. This must be yet another sign that I’m old. I can’t even lounge in bed without it hurting. GREAT. How do I get into that virgin blood hot tub with Gwen and J Lo? I’ll bring the kale juice, guys! Invite meeeeeee!!!

Is it worth it to keep doing these fashion round ups?


Die! Dead and Buried Trends of 2013

Everyone is doing their year end list of trends that they’d like to see shoved into a coffin and buried six feet under. I’ve seen everything from high/low hems to crop tops being spat upon. There were things being denounced that I didn’t even realize were trends in 2013. Jackets worn as capes? That was happening? Skinny jeans on guys? Pretty sure that’s been happening for the last seven years at least.

I’d like to present my own top five “must die” trends of 2013 but I’m going to follow it with my “please live on” trends for 2014. This all goes along with my less snarky, more positive game plan for the new year. With that said, I have five things to complain about.

1. Knuckle tattoos on people with no arm tattoos


I’m not trying to be a tattoo elitist. I have some dumb tattoos. But to me knuckles come after sleeves. Or at least a whole lot of other tattoos. Knuckle tattoos on someone with no other visible tattoos says that you picked the most noticeable place because you want people to know you’re tattooed and to be interested in you because of it. Most of my heavily tattooed friends would really rather not talk to strangers about their artwork. It’s an unavoidable side effect of getting tattooed but it’s not the main objective. Also, you picked a place that will (whether you choose to believe it or not) limit your career options. Don’t see a ton of lawyers or second grade teachers with knuckle tattoos, do you?

But hey, don’t take a random fashion blogger’s advice. How about the opinion of an actual tattoo artist who explains it more elegantly than I ever could.

2. Lace up wedge booties


These bumbling Quasimodo booties kill me. The bubble toe, the fake suede. It’s all so horse hoofy. Stop it. Just no.

3. Bone jewelry

Now before you get all angry let me preface this by saying that I loved this when I first started seeing it a few years back. Then 2013 became the year of every god damn Etsy shop selling raccoon dickbone earrings and muskrat skull tiaras. I started following Lady Locks Creations on instgram a while back. She’s an oregon based designer who creates some beautiful pieces. I got my girl, Olivia, a coyote tooth necklace from her to celebrate her marriage to her cosmic twin.


Nowadays Etsy is chock-a-block with bone accessories and I’m not just saying that because I wanted to say “chock-a-block”.  People are jumping on the bandwagon but they’re barely even trying. The quality and creativity has gone way down hill. It used to be people with a genuine interest in animal bones, preserving and taxidermy. I say kudos to those people. And pooh on the people glue gunning a bat skull to a brooch and hawking them for $80.

4. Paying attention to Miley Cyrus


2013 was the year of the internet getting it’s panties in a bunch about something new every god damn day. From “rapey” pop songs (still not a word, still not about rape) to calling out everything that might-maybe-could possibly be racist to obsessively watching/judging/finger wagging Miley Cyrus.

Just stop. She’s 21. In fact just relax about pretty much everything. I’m speaking to myself as well.

5. Cut outs in weird places

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If there’s any trend that makes men go, “HUH?!” It’s gotta be this one. I just confirmed this by showing those photos to several drunk men who were all so thoroughly baffled that all they could do was look disgusted.

Perhaps it’s from growing up in a small town with a lot of white trash girls but the shoulder cut out always screams “I shop at RAVE!”. Apparently that joke is pointless because RAVE doesn’t exist anymore. Just know it was the slutty, cheaper cousin of Wet Seal.

Runner ups!

* Crushed velvet baby doll dress, especially in cranberry. Though my eighth grade self would claw my eyes out for this.

*  Shaving one side of your head. It’s not that I don’t think a lot of girls pulled it off. It’s that I saw an 11 year old in a polo shirt skulking along the road rocking it. I think it’s a good rule that when a trend trickles down to pre-teens, it’s time to move on.  Let’s switch it up. Try shaving the middle and leaving the sides!

*Black Milk leggings. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, ladies. But most of us shouldn’t wear leggings as pants. Especially leggings with human muscle anatomy printed on them.

And now I take off my crown on snark and replace it with my tiara of glee to report on trends that I refuse to stop loving!