Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

Welcome back to the Shallow End! It’s not really weekly but hey, I can aspire to be that consistent, right?

-Let’s start by learning something! I actually got really excited about this and then I got distracted by celebrity gossip so I’ve yet to learn how to code but now I know I could….if I wanted to…or had the time…oooh, look, a Miley article!

View story at Medium.com

A punk rock approach to living the life of your dreams. I know that sometimes Gala Darling is a little too precious but she also has some really solid life advice. I can’t hate on her just because she’s somehow mastered being a happy person. Dammit.

And now for something totally different….Brooke Candy is fascinating to me. This video is a visual feast of weirdness that NSFW. I may spend too much time googling her when I’ve had some wine….

-In Russia there is a dance studio that is dedicated to the art of twerking. Yup. That’s a thing. I found them about a year ago and I may also spend a fair amount of time drinking wine and desperately wishing I could move my body like they do. Imagine my delight at finding their tumblr page! So much twerk!!

-I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than the work of Agnieszka Osipa. Get lost on her website, follow her on Instagram, let her haunt your dreams.

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I Did It

I Did It: Permanent Makeup

I’ve been doing this thing for years that I lovingly refer to as “poking the bear”. I’ve blogged about it on numerous occasions and I do it so much that I’m considering getting an angry bear tattooed on me. Poking the bear is basically this; I do something that I know is incredibly stupid and then I sit back and wait to see what the result is. Bear poking can be anything, big or small. Hmmm, what happens if I take my GED and say fuck high school and college? Adventure!  What happens if I move to the midwest to live with a man I barely know in a school house with no running water? Fun! How about I move to Hawaii on a whim and then fail miserably while there? Yippee! Okay, now let’s go on a date and proclaim that there’s a five minute rule, as in if we don’t click within five minutes then I’m bailing. Heartless! I walk up to a bear, slap/poke/punch/kick it, then wait to see what sort of reaction the bear will have. Usually I’m just hovering above myself watching the situation unfold and shaking my head…at myself.

It was no surprise to my bear poking self that I had no feelings of trepidation about getting my eyebrows tattooed on. Seems like a huge mistake, right? WELL, LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS! POKE POKE POKE!!!!

In recent years, eyebrow tattoos have come a long way. In fact, you don’t call them eyebrow tattoos. Even calling it permanent cosmetics is still too scary for some ladies (non bear poking types). There’s now a technique called micro blading, which is tattooing one hair at a time so that your brows look naturally fuller.

As a child of the 90’s with a deep love for Drew Barrymore in her Jean Harlow eyebrow stage, I tweezed my brows into oblivion.

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Very serious at 24….

I was SICK of trying to draw them in to look like a normal person every day. Going to the river in the summer meant allowing people to see my upsetting, patchy 90’s brows in daylight with no make up. So I decided to tattoo them on. POKE POKE POKE.

My tattoo artist recommended a woman and after looking at her instagram for two seconds, I knew I wanted her to do my brows.

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Look at that magic!! The amazing Kate at Ireland Tattoo did such an epic job. I’ve had no bear poking regrets!

Here’s the lowdown on what you should know:

-It’s not permanent, it’s semi permanent. As in you will have to get a touch up at some point.

-It doesn’t hurt. It feels, in Kate’s words, “spicy”. She numbs you but there’s still a bit of a hot sensation during parts of it.

-Go to someone who has amazing reviews and who doesn’t claim that the service only takes 30 minutes. Kate spent almost an hour drawing on my brows, mixing color and making adjustments before the tattooing even started. The whole appointment took a few hours from start to finish.

-You’ll need to go back for a touch up in about 6-8 weeks. This will be the time you can go darker or tweak the shape if need be.

I plan on going back to Kate to get the “lash enhancement” service which is like a less scary version of getting your eyeliner tattooed on. I’ll post pics of the before and after.

I loved this so much that I even got my 66 year old mother to go in to get her brows done. Her’s had all but disappeared from years of over tweezing. She’s THRILLED with the result. She also thinks she’s incredibly tough because now she has face tattoos.

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This was taken immediately following her appointment with Kate. She was feeling like a bad ass. 

Now you know a little about bear poking and micro blading AND you saw an embarrassing photo of me. How very productive and informative this post turned out to be!

Next up: Killing the cult of fast fashion.

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Awards Shows, fashion

No Pants Party! AMA Fashion Edition

Last night it seemed like a good idea to drink a bottle of white wine, eat half a pint of ice cream and watch Good Luck Chuck. I think it’s safe to say I’m feeling embarrassed about my life decisions. Mostly because I watched a Dane Cook movie of my own free will. So instead of unpacking things in my newly purchased house (!!!) like an actual adult, I’m laying in bed and looking at photos of celebrities who attended the American Music Awards last night. In order to further delay adulting, let’s focus on fashion instead of reading 18 more depressing news stories about Donald Trump on Facebook.

First off, there’s a severe lack of pants at this party. Also, I am currently not wearing pants in solidarity with Gwen Stefani.

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The latest in goth swimwear. Doubles as a bug net and can be turned into a shelter in the forest. On the reals though, I would definitely kill a kitten to look like Gwen at age 46. I mean, GOOD GOD, PEOPLE. There is 100% a place that these older pop stars are going to bathe in the blood of virgins.

 

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Jennifer Lopez

This lady is also 46. She also obviously is lounging in a pool of virgin blood with Gwen. Maybe they discuss their failed marriages while drinking kale and botox juice. Either way, WOW. That dress though, hard pass on the breast bondage.

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Ariana Grande

Look, it’s a tiny, irritating ice skater wearing comically large Minnie Mouse high heels. You make my hangover more hangyovery.

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Nicki Minaj

If Blanche from Golden Girls was going out for a night on the town looking for some man action, she would wear this. Or if She-Ra was going to an awards show, she would love this dress. If you’re too young to get She-Ra jokes then you need to get off my blog.

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Keltie Knight

The only reason that I know who this chick is, is that my best friend once tried to set me up with Keltie’s husband. Obviously, this was before he was married to Keltie. Apparently I was not his type. His type is Keltie. He bought Keltie a HUUUUUGE ring. I can’t stop typing Keltie because it sounds like a type of irish horse breed. No shade. (Lies) That dress looks like the inside of a leprechaun’s car.

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Jenny McCarthy

When you find that you’ve become irrelevant due to the fact that you’ve single handedly ruined your career by becoming the poster child for the anti-vac movement, dressing like an extra from Austin Powers will not re-light your dying stardom. Also, Jenny is only 43 and looks it. She’s not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub with J Lo and Gwen.

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WHY IS WINNIE COOPER AT THE AMAS? No, seriously, why?

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Julianne Hough

As a waxer, I’m thrilled that fashion is taking a turn towards exposing your bikini area when in formal wear. This means I’ll continue to have a job and perhaps even a rush of business. Though this trend has not yet made it’s way to Portland, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

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Jennifer Lopez again…

Another look that will require some waxing beforehand. Solid choice, J Lo! Though I’m confused as to how one sits in this dress. Perhaps the bathing in blood gives one the power to levitate as well and therefore she doesn’t need to sit.

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Demi Lovato

The latest in hunting camo couture. Perfect for getting your man’s attention during duck hunting season.

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Paula Abdul

I did a lot of dancing around my room to Cold Hearted Snake as a kid. Paula is 53 and not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub either. I’m pretty sure that gold collar is keeping her head propped up for her.

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Hailee Steinfield

Let’s ignore the fact that she’s wearing stripper heels and a sexy school band uniform and focus on the fact that her debut single is an ode to masturbation. I LOVE IT.

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Carrie Underwood

“Take the fucking picture and don’t tell me to show you the sleeves again. FML, I would so much rather be in sweatpants watching re-runs of Drag Race and eating beef jerky dipped in frosting.”-This is what I think is going through her head because every time I read an interview with her she seems to just not give a shit about stardom and I dig that.

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Ciara

If you ever want to feel motivated to work out and eat less bread, just watch any Ciara video ever. Fair warning though, it may have the reverse effect and you might decide to go on a donut binge instead because we all know we’ll never in our wildest dreams be as hot as her.

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Ellie Goulding

This dress appears to have been made during Project Runway’s unconventional materials challenge. Or it’s from Rave. I really need to stop making Rave jokes since no one who isn’t from small town Northern California knows what it is. It’s worse than Wet Seal, people!! Also, who the F named a teen clothing store Wet Seal?

 

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Irritating, tiny ice skater is back….

I hope she impales herself on that award. That’s another Project Runway dress. A losing one. AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!!


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Kendall Jenner

All jokes aside, for the love of god, get this girl some In n’ Out.

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Kylie Jenner

Kylie has 40 MILLION  Instagram followers. That is terrifying and gives me no hope for the future. I hope she’s going to renfair after this to show off that dress.

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Gigi Hadid

My problem with Gigi is that she has an epically gorgeous body and then the face of a pretty 12 year old. Much like Selena Gomez. It’s very disconcerting. Also, this just in: I’M OLD.

Shockingly, my ass is starting to hurt from sitting in bed and blogging. This must be yet another sign that I’m old. I can’t even lounge in bed without it hurting. GREAT. How do I get into that virgin blood hot tub with Gwen and J Lo? I’ll bring the kale juice, guys! Invite meeeeeee!!!

Is it worth it to keep doing these fashion round ups?

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health and fitness, Wear It

Health Goth Goes Shopping

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I’m working out with a trainer three days a week and I’ve never owned so many sports bras in my life. It’s disgusting. Never did I think I would thrill at the thought of new sports bras but yup, I am now that girl. However, I draw the line at color. You will not catch me in neon anything.
For my first few months at the gym I was wearing old leggings and muscle tees. I saw no point in buying overpriced  clothes just to dump sweat into them and throw them in the wash. And I stand by not spending $90 on yoga pants (ahem, Lululemon). That. Is. Stupid. But I do now understand purchasing clothes that were actually meant to be worked out in. For one, they perform better. Sweat wicking fabrics make your breasts less like suffocating bats during your workout. Your cotton tee just absorbs your boob sweat and then lays on your ladies like…a wet t-shirt… Secondly, if you feel sassy and excited when you put on your workout gear, you’re more likely to get your ass to the gym. I find laying out my gear the night before motivates me to crawl out of the husband and dog fart cocoon that is my bed and get moving.
I’m slowly amassing a collection of black, black, black and occasionally grey workout gear. So why not do a health goth collection every now and again here at VH to inspire myself and other likeminded health goths.
Here’s to working out! So that we can continue to drink too much, bum cigarettes from people, eat cheesy tots at two am and never drink enough water.

J tomson
amazon.com

Under Armour activewear top
$46 – nelly.com

Sports bra
victoriassecret.com

Puma shoes
puma.com

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Shallow End

The Shallow End is back!

Remember when I used to do a weekly grab bag of stupid things I found on the internet? Yeah, me neither because that was in 2013 and I was taking a lot of ambien while drinking wine. Now that I’m writing again, I figured I might as well force you to look at the things that I force myself to look at. Mostly I was inspired by these people who have decided to live as Victorians would have because OHMYGODWHY? But in my gentler, less judgmental old age, I have no desire to light them on fire with my words (that’s not true, I really do) so I decided to just include them in a grab bag of other internet weirdness.

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Living the life of a corset wearing, high wheel riding Victorian and then being upset when people gape at you….um….Okay, it’s your right to be different. It’s my right to get heavily tattooed and not have strangers touch my arms. But I also know that when I wear short sleeves or color my hair blue, people will be curious and ask questions. One should never have to deal with death threats or malicious comments but the sometimes tactless and overbearing curiosity is unfortunately inevitable. But let’s get serious, here’s my questions:

-Do you use modern medicine and go to hospitals if surgeries are needed?

-Do you wear a sanitary belt or towel?

-Where do you get toilet paper?

I’m serious. I want to know these things. Moving on……

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Thank You For Being A Trend

A couple of gals who watch Golden Girls and then describe and discuss the going ons of each episode. I remember being very disturbed by the episode where Blanche is having sex loudly while singing the song, “Over There”. That and Rose was my fav at the time but now I am obviously a Dorothy.

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One more reason I don’t have cats….

I don’t know why I read the “It Happened To Me” section of XOJane. Nine times out of ten it upsets me and makes me feel like a terrible woman because I usually don’t sympathize with whatever the author is ohmygodding about. Granted, there are some truly terrible ones and some very interesting ones but mostly it’s shit like this. You got a ball of cat hair in your vag and now the internet knows. Maybe I AM interested in living a Victorian lifestyle where we don’t SHARE EVERY TINY DETAIL ABOUT OUR CAT HAIR INFESTED LIVES. (Full disclosure, I wrote an ambien rant on the terror of getting my first IUD put in that was graphic and hilarious but I never published it anywhere because WHY MUST I? I did it for me, man.)

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The world might end, blame Miley.

A blood moon is happening on September 28th and therefore we’re all going to die. Maybe. Probably not. But let’s put it in the headline anyway. I got married on a blood moon last August. The world did not end and neither did my sex life. Heeeyooooo!

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Put your bra on a new way, become a new person?

That guys knows. Apparently we can now tell what sort of a person you are by how you put on your bra. I never knew until three weeks ago that there are different ways to put on a bra but there is and it defines you as a person. I saw multiple girls putting on their bras by clasping it in front and then rotating it around and then putting their arms in. This confuses me so much. It’s so much work!! But apparently it’s a thing and it means you’re a no nonsense lady who makes bold statements. What?

Johnny Depp promoting The Corpse Bride at the Toronto Film Festival, Toronto. September 12, 2005. © Armando Gallo / Retna Ltd. *No Italy* *NO Tabloids / skin mags* *NO USA till December 12, 2005* * Positive Stories Only*

MEWELRY?!?!

As in man jewelry?? I can’t. I just can’t. I also can’t with a man in vertical striped pants. Pair the two together and yes, you have Johnny Depp asking you if you’d like to be a third with him and his wife and you say, yes you greasy sponge of a man, I will be your third but I’ll do it for the Johnny of yesteryear that probably washed his balls occasionally and whose teeth didn’t look like Werther’s butterscotch candies!!! Now take off those rings, sir!!

I was just at a wedding where someone informed me that men who wear rings are always trying to get you to swing with them. I don’t recall who told me that because there was an open bar and I drank as much free wine as I could fit inside my already tight and of questionable taste dress. And now all men with rings make me laugh.

Are we done yet? Yes, we are for today. The first Shallow End right out of the gate is a wee bit short but that’s better than nothing.

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I Did It

I Did It: Claws

When I was in sixth grade I somehow came into possession of four books about witchcraft. One explained paganism, one gave spells but only white spells, one warned you not to use it’s spells unless you were experienced in your practice and one scared the shit out of me so bad that I barely even cracked it.

I poured over the first three. I proclaimed to my catholic raised mother that I was going to become a pagan and worship nature. To which she promptly flipped out and told she would not allow devil worshipping in her house.

True story.

As I skulked into my teen years, started coloring my hair “vampire red” (thanks, Manic Panic!) and wearing what my father deemed a “whoreish” amount of eyeliner, I went back and read those books more carefully. I read them until I had to duct tape the spines so that they wouldn’t fall to pieces. And I have them to this day.

Point being?

Getting claw nails seemed only natural. Duh.

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I was so incredibly thrilled with my new claws that it didn’t even bother me that I couldn’t unbutton my pants to go to the bathroom and thusly peed my pants on the first day.

Didn’t faze me at all.

My witchy, spooky nails were sexy and so much fun to gesticulate with. Every move became more sensual and elegant. What the high heel does for your legs, the stiletto nail does for your fingers.

Never find that using my phone was challenging or that opening a beer can was absolutely impossible. Never mind that my fiance actually recoiled away from me on the couch as I displayed my talons.

I adored my nails.

Then I went to work and learned that they punch holes in the tips of the vinyl gloves I wear.

That pretty much killed the kitten. Gotta work to live, kids. Can’t work with holes in my gloves.

So I did what every smart, responsible girl does. I drove right past my dear nail place, came home and spent an hour clipping and filing the nails down to a sensible height. One that would allow me the glorious freedom of unzipping my pants BEFORE I pee.

But then…oh…but then, when the acrylics grow out to the point where you’re supposed to get them filled, what are you to do? A: Pay to get a fill and continue derping through life with cumbersome nails or B: pay to have the nice man crack the nails off your fingers at a shop. B, B should have been the answer all the way.

I was obviously not equipped to deal with such magnificent finger beasts. But I did not choose B and go and get them removed by a professional. I chose C: Watch a youtube tutorial on how to remove acrylic nails at home.

I watched this helpful video from a sweet girl that I had no reason to distrust. And for the record, I watched a ton of other videos as well but they all had this same method.

For me, this “simple” process equated to watching four hours of Sister Wives while slowly peeling off chunks of acrylic nail that were still very much adhered to my fingers. In the end, my hands were claw free but they looked as though I had put them through a wood chipper.

Lesson Learned:

Don’t believe what you see/read on youtube/pinterest. A professional should generally involved in these types of services.

Conclusion:

I still love witch nails. I think you need to be a certain type of girl. They need to work for your lifestyle. Since I wear gloves and touch people all day, it’s not the best for me.

But for a therapist, perhaps, or a paralegal, even a barista could make it work. For me, I have to face the facts that the mister and I must get very rich before I can quit work and start wearing my talons full time.

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fashion

Live On: Trends of 2013 That Must Not Die

To counterbalance my must-die trends of 2013, I’d like to give you my “please live another year” trends for 2014. Things that may be more tired than me after a TRX workout but that I love so desperately that I will not let them die.

1. Hipster Witch Chic

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Gah, I die. I hate myself for quoting Rachel Zoe but lately I can’t stop saying “I die”. I know a lot of girls want to see this style leave the mainstream. They’re calling out American Horror Story: Coven (I die!!!!) for bringing witchy style into the spotlight where it doesn’t belong. I’m sorry, ladies, but I’m still so very in love with it. I feel like I should get a free pass since The Craft was my style guide for most of my youth.

This trend also includes my deep, deep obsession with purple and dark red lip color. My beautiful Anja just gifted me with this amazing color from Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics (vegan and cruelty free!) that I am loving so hard.

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P.S. If you haven’t seen The Craft I cry for you a little. Fairuza 4 lyfe!

2. Cut off shorts

NEVER DIE!!!!!

3. Ombre and dip dyed hair

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I know this trend is the deadest of all the dead horses. But I still love it. When done properly by a professional it looks so beautiful. Just please, for the love of god, do not watch a youtube tutorial and try it at home. And um……oh sorry I got distracted by Jared Leto’s luscious man mane….

4. Above the knuckle rings/ Excessive ring wearing

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I’ve never been a fan of subtle when it comes to jewelry. Coco Chanel once said, “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and remove one accessory.” I’m gonna go ahead and disagree with that wholeheartedly. 2013 was the year of piling on necklaces and rings until you jangled like a prison guard. I’m loving Stella and Bow and VERAMEAT.

5.  Pointed Nails

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Call them what you will; stiletto, claws, “those pointy fake nails” or as my fiance says, “those really gross, horrifying things you had on your hands”. At first I was baffled and curious. Votes on the poll tipped just slightly in favor of claws being “fucking awesome”. As often happens with me (because I’m not in any way actually fashionable or ahead of the curve) the more I saw it, the more I liked it. The deciding factor in testing it out myself was a girl I always saw at my nail shop who got them. She was terribly hot, very tattooed and so vomit inducing cool that when I found myself seated next to her one day it was all I could do to mutter one word at a time as she attempted to make conversation with me. I actually had daydreams about running into her again and charming the holy hell out of her until we became best friends who occasionally got naked in front of each other while changing. Guh. Instead I just got my own claws. But that’s a story for another time.

Runner Ups!

*Crop tops. Just cuz I can’t wear them doesn’t mean I’m mad at them.

* Jeffery Campbell boots. I don’t care. I love them.

* Striped pants. Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuicin’ ass can’t stop me from digging these on the right chick.

*Braids. Intricate, beautiful braids that youtube insists that I can learn to do but that my monkey paws will never master. Does it count that I finally learned how to do a fishtail braid though?

xo-Monroe

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