Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Grab Bag of Ridiculous

The Shallow End rears it’s ugly head again! The least consistent but always entertaining grab bag that this Thursday has to offer you!

What was David Bowie doing when he was your age? Something WAY cooler than you are currently doing. I can pretty much guarantee that.

-Is anyone else watching the new X-Files? This story about weird sounds in Oregon that can’t be explained made me picture Fox Mulder standing in a field in Forest Grove with his head cocked, listening and wondering if the mothership will descend soon.


I do have to say DAMN, SCULLY!!! She looks so freakin’ amazing. Duchovny on the other hand looks a little bit like a crumpled paper bag but I still WOULD. Roll Mulder and Hank Moody into one and I’m slayed.

-My therapist is wise and always tells me don’t read the comments!!! Solid advice for a life that doesn’t make you want to throw your computer at a wall.

-Oh, Rihanna. I can’t stop loving you.  I want to be at this club, tipsy on whiskey, hiding in a corner and soaking it all in.



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-If you have somehow not seen “Formation” by Beyonce then you’re missing out on something important. It’s easy to dismiss pop music as meaningless entertainment, as my husband does. I tried talking to him about this video and all I got was an eye roll. This is powerful. My dear friend sent me an article about it that goes into depth about the message behind the imagery.


-I will never be cool enough to understand certain fashion trends. Fendi is making ruffle shoes and bags that look like muppets caught in a kaleidoscope.


-There’s so many articles on how to host an Oscar party. Is this really a thing? People do this? Here’s an idea: Invite all your closest friends, dress up sassy and go to a bar instead. And don’t watch the Oscars. Spoiler alert: Leo is going to win and the bear rape rumors weren’t even true!

-Speaking of Leo, have you seen his Russian “twin”?


He’s even got an Instagram account where he dresses up like Leo and he got his own reality TV show. What a world we live in!

Now, to go out and enjoy this gorgeous February fake out weather or stay here at work at TREAT and pilfer more candy? MORE CANDY ALWAYS!!!!!!!

Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag


I have a champagne hangover and a mountain of dishes to wash but instead, let us dive headfirst into the shallow end!

-First off, in I HATE EVERYONE news: spooning is sexist now. If you need me I’ll be ripping out my hair, eating it and then moving to the country where there is no internet access.

-But then I’d miss stories like these! Who needs diamonds when you have teeth?!


Yes, I just made you look at a Buzzfeed article. But it’s better than linking to Jezebel, dammit.


-This lady is the most messaged woman on OKcupid and she would like to share her knowledge with you.


The secret is to have EPIC EYEBROWS!! She’s stunning all around but if it was still culturally relevant to say her brows are “on fleek” or even #onfleek then I would say that. But I’m hip enough to know that the kids aren’t saying that anymore.

Sidenote: Whenever my mom referred to herself as “still hip” when I was a kid I was confused because I thought that meant at some point she would not have hips. I was a very literal kid. 

-I love everything about this.

-It’s gift giving season! I have a tendency to just give everyone bottles of booze because I wait til the last minute and panic. If I wasn’t the queen of procrastination then I would surely be gifting someone a pair of these epic undies from Bullets and Bees. Golden Girls, Alf, Ryan Gosling, kittens!



-Also on my gift giving list would be every single book by the amazing Chuck Tingle. Do yourself and favor and google image search his name and then die laughing at all his titles. Please do not do that if dinosaur erotica is offensive to you though…


-Meet a mysterious lady who smashes her face into different kids of bread. No, seriously. That’s all she does. I fully support this.

-According to Mtv, the next generation of kids will be known as The Founders. They will also be known as the kids who look frantically at their phones when a credit card company recording asks them to press the pound button because all they see is the hashtag button.

I leave you now with the glory that is Ladybaby.

Good day to you, my V Haggers!


Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

Welcome back to the Shallow End! It’s not really weekly but hey, I can aspire to be that consistent, right?

-Let’s start by learning something! I actually got really excited about this and then I got distracted by celebrity gossip so I’ve yet to learn how to code but now I know I could….if I wanted to…or had the time…oooh, look, a Miley article!

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A punk rock approach to living the life of your dreams. I know that sometimes Gala Darling is a little too precious but she also has some really solid life advice. I can’t hate on her just because she’s somehow mastered being a happy person. Dammit.

And now for something totally different….Brooke Candy is fascinating to me. This video is a visual feast of weirdness that NSFW. I may spend too much time googling her when I’ve had some wine….

-In Russia there is a dance studio that is dedicated to the art of twerking. Yup. That’s a thing. I found them about a year ago and I may also spend a fair amount of time drinking wine and desperately wishing I could move my body like they do. Imagine my delight at finding their tumblr page! So much twerk!!

-I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than the work of Agnieszka Osipa. Get lost on her website, follow her on Instagram, let her haunt your dreams.


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Shallow End

The Shallow End is back!

Remember when I used to do a weekly grab bag of stupid things I found on the internet? Yeah, me neither because that was in 2013 and I was taking a lot of ambien while drinking wine. Now that I’m writing again, I figured I might as well force you to look at the things that I force myself to look at. Mostly I was inspired by these people who have decided to live as Victorians would have because OHMYGODWHY? But in my gentler, less judgmental old age, I have no desire to light them on fire with my words (that’s not true, I really do) so I decided to just include them in a grab bag of other internet weirdness.


Living the life of a corset wearing, high wheel riding Victorian and then being upset when people gape at you….um….Okay, it’s your right to be different. It’s my right to get heavily tattooed and not have strangers touch my arms. But I also know that when I wear short sleeves or color my hair blue, people will be curious and ask questions. One should never have to deal with death threats or malicious comments but the sometimes tactless and overbearing curiosity is unfortunately inevitable. But let’s get serious, here’s my questions:

-Do you use modern medicine and go to hospitals if surgeries are needed?

-Do you wear a sanitary belt or towel?

-Where do you get toilet paper?

I’m serious. I want to know these things. Moving on……


Thank You For Being A Trend

A couple of gals who watch Golden Girls and then describe and discuss the going ons of each episode. I remember being very disturbed by the episode where Blanche is having sex loudly while singing the song, “Over There”. That and Rose was my fav at the time but now I am obviously a Dorothy.


One more reason I don’t have cats….

I don’t know why I read the “It Happened To Me” section of XOJane. Nine times out of ten it upsets me and makes me feel like a terrible woman because I usually don’t sympathize with whatever the author is ohmygodding about. Granted, there are some truly terrible ones and some very interesting ones but mostly it’s shit like this. You got a ball of cat hair in your vag and now the internet knows. Maybe I AM interested in living a Victorian lifestyle where we don’t SHARE EVERY TINY DETAIL ABOUT OUR CAT HAIR INFESTED LIVES. (Full disclosure, I wrote an ambien rant on the terror of getting my first IUD put in that was graphic and hilarious but I never published it anywhere because WHY MUST I? I did it for me, man.)


The world might end, blame Miley.

A blood moon is happening on September 28th and therefore we’re all going to die. Maybe. Probably not. But let’s put it in the headline anyway. I got married on a blood moon last August. The world did not end and neither did my sex life. Heeeyooooo!


Put your bra on a new way, become a new person?

That guys knows. Apparently we can now tell what sort of a person you are by how you put on your bra. I never knew until three weeks ago that there are different ways to put on a bra but there is and it defines you as a person. I saw multiple girls putting on their bras by clasping it in front and then rotating it around and then putting their arms in. This confuses me so much. It’s so much work!! But apparently it’s a thing and it means you’re a no nonsense lady who makes bold statements. What?

Johnny Depp promoting The Corpse Bride at the Toronto Film Festival, Toronto. September 12, 2005. © Armando Gallo / Retna Ltd. *No Italy* *NO Tabloids / skin mags* *NO USA till December 12, 2005* * Positive Stories Only*


As in man jewelry?? I can’t. I just can’t. I also can’t with a man in vertical striped pants. Pair the two together and yes, you have Johnny Depp asking you if you’d like to be a third with him and his wife and you say, yes you greasy sponge of a man, I will be your third but I’ll do it for the Johnny of yesteryear that probably washed his balls occasionally and whose teeth didn’t look like Werther’s butterscotch candies!!! Now take off those rings, sir!!

I was just at a wedding where someone informed me that men who wear rings are always trying to get you to swing with them. I don’t recall who told me that because there was an open bar and I drank as much free wine as I could fit inside my already tight and of questionable taste dress. And now all men with rings make me laugh.

Are we done yet? Yes, we are for today. The first Shallow End right out of the gate is a wee bit short but that’s better than nothing.

Shallow End

The Shallow End


The Shallow End is supposed to be a weekly grab bag of all the shit I find while dicking around on the internet. It’s a testament to my extreme laziness that even posting once a week seems like too much to bear. Seriously, this goes back to working three days a week and still not finding the time to blog. I’m busy all the damn time right now. WTF? Maybe I can write ten posts today to make up for it.


* I’ve been winging my eyeliner since I was 16 and will probably continue to do so until my eyes become crepey, drooping sockets of flesh. That’s a nice visual. Good job, Monroe. A lot of girls find it really difficult though. So here’s a simple tutorial. Practice, practice, practice.


* Speaking of horrifying visuals, how about couples vacuum sealed inside of bags? Because why not? Flesh Love might just inspire your engagement photos.

* It’s always a bummer finding out that celebrities that like are scientologists.


Style tips from fabulous senior citizens, each who possesses more sass and bad assery than I can ever hope to achieve.


* To quote that tiny human Rachel Zoe, I die for these pictures of Johnny and Winona. Buzzfeed gives us 21 reasons they never should have broken up. Seriously. I die.

* My boyfriend has always harbored aspirations of train hopping. Yup, he’s a big dreamer. I find it fascinating but I’ve met too many one legged train hoppers with tales of drunken nights on the tracks resulting in loss of limb. Okay maybe I know one. But still. I’ll just enjoy the life by looking at these awesome pictures of train hopping teens.

* You know what’s creepy and has nothing to do with fashion? Photographs of death row inmates last meals.

glamping hero1

* Did you know there’s a website for glamping?? Do you even know what glamping is? Well for goodness sake you better learn.

Alright, alright…I’m off to write about Cindy Crawford’s melting face.

Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag



I suck at blogging lately. I’ve been too busy with life. I only work three days a week and people are always dumbfounded when I tell them I don’t have a second job. “Wh-what do you do all the time??” is a frequently asked question. Uhhhh….I live. I have lunch with friends, go on dates with my man, have band practice, take classes, bake, cook, obsessively get tattooed, hang out with my dog, go on road trip adventures. That’s what I do.

That said, I should really blog more.


* We’ve all read that crazy  letter from a sorority girl by now but today watching Michael Shannon read it aloud with all the proper amounts of insane really made my day.

enhanced-buzz-19371-1364330003-21* Speaking of obsessively getting tattooed, take a gander at these bad ass broads from way back in the day. Back before every girl got a rib piece for their first tattoo.

* What do sheep placenta, fire and bird poop all have in common? Women will pay monies to have it on their faces in the hopes that it will decrease their wrinkles. Yes, fire, I said fire. Jesus christ on a cracker, ladies.

make_a_teepee* Somehow I’m going to make one of these that I can keep in the back of my car so that I can take it to the park all summer. I will be the only asshole at the park with my own teepee. I’m so hipster it hurts. Who doesn’t want to drink tallboys in this bitch??

* Coachella may be over but there are plenty of festivals to don your <gag> festival wear to. Here’s some DIY ideas so that you don’t give your hard earned cash to Urban Outfitters.

* I was going to say I would get married in this dress but then I realized it’s light green and I would like a corpse in it. Also, I’m not getting married so there’s that.

209485701cd733ebfa5533a237e7bb17* How effin’ adorable are these little guys??? I found them here on Pinterest and Pinterest confuses me greatly. So that’s all the info I have for you.

* Speaking of Pinterest, have you checked out Pintester-Fucking up Pinterest Pins So You Don’t Have To. LOVE her. Brilliant.



* Why yes I would like to stay in a “volcano” or kick it with some giraffes. Gala Darling has rounded up some epic places to stay while on vacation in many magical places that I can’t afford to go to. Wheeeeeeee!

revolve-final* “Elastic waist leather jogging pant”. I can’t make this shit up, kids. Ugh. There’s a whole slew of other “seasonally appropriate leather pants” up for grabs. Because nothing says summer like crotch sweat.

*Lastly, meet two broads I’d like to hang out with:

Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag


Shed your hair suits, people, it’s summer fake out!

Here in Portland we’ve got a nice thing called summer fake out. Or perhaps it’s the patron saint of PDX smiling down at us, giving us an effin’ break, before the doom and gloom that May and June tend to be. Either way, the sun is shining, skin is showing, drinks on patios are flowing and the city has come alive.

Grab bag!

*Actresses without teeth. Or meth mouth. Quite possibly the most disgusting and amazing thing I’ve seen all week.



* Someone please buy me this dress from ROMWE. I want to wear it with motorcycle boots and an army jacket or with heels and my ever present sock bun. I need it.

*The Beauty Department always has such good tips and tricks that I can never pick just one to post here. Therefore, go there and prettyify yourself with ALL of them.

*This is a really sweet love story about two burn victims who met at a support group. Love for all is a wonderful thing.


*Celebrity face swaps, perhaps better than toothless actresses.

* In this day of constant instagramming and FB photos, we could all use a little help looking hotter in pictures. Though it’s hard to remember these helpful hints when one is bombed on whiskey.


* Lady Gaga has a gold wheelchair because of course she does. She’s recovering from hip surgery and is a pimp. Oh but wait, one ridiculous wheelchair is not enough. For the nights when you go out to strip clubs and fast food joints, you need a more subtle yet still classy wheelchair. One made by Louis Vuitton.



* Make your own dip dye shirts and tons of other cool DIY fashion projects. Pretty sure my shirt would look nothing like that and my kitchen would look like a tar bomb went off but hey, most of you aren’t trained chimps like me so give it a go!


*Pretty fascinated by the collection of tattoo pictures of a style in France called Xoil. Though my boyfriend pointed out that it helps that all of them are on very attractive people. Still, I think it’s beautiful.

There’s a high of 64 degrees today. It’s no 75 but it’s nothing to sneeze at. I say get your ass to a patio and have a cocktail. Sure it’s Monday and some of you have real jobs but really, is that an excuse?