health and fitness

Inside The Head Of A Procrastinator Preparing For Vacation

You would think that as a 37 year old woman I would not be using my downtime between clients to Google “how to lose weight in 7 days”. My fingers recoiled in shame only slightly as I typed out the words though. Because while, yes, I am an adult, I am also a desperate and vain adult.

I’m going to New Orleans with a group of friends in 8 days. This trip has been planned for months. I had ample time to work out, eat clean…get botox…find a time machine….. go back to 2007 when my ass was 4 inches higher and my high waist jeans didn’t feel like they were cutting off the circulation to my very soul.

But I did not.

I kept doing that thing that we procrastinators do where we look ahead and say, “Oh cool, I have two months left. Plenty of time.”

Which then turns to, “Oh cool, I have a month left. I just need to work hard.”

Which turns to, “Shit, I have two weeks left. I’ll eat super clean, drink gallons of water and stop drinking booze.”

And finally landing at, “FUCK. I have 8 days left, I’ll just drink this laxative tea, eat cotton balls and lettuce, Google weight loss tips from Allure magazine and do lunges across the salon in my downtime.”

I am aware that this is madness.

I am also aware that we are in an age of body positivity and that every body is a bikini body.

bikbody

I KNOW this in my logical mind. But….

I plan on writing a longer piece about this later on but the bottom line is that I am uncomfortable in my own body. I’ve spent my entire life nitpicking what was essentially an effortlessly thin frame. This year, my metabolism finally hit a wall and I feel like a stranger in a strange land. A land where one cannot subsist on nacho cheese and whiskey alone.

So, yes, every body is beautiful. I just feel that I’ve betrayed mine. Like a really beautiful horse that I promised to take care of, groom and exercise and instead I let it’s mane get matted and it’s gut fall to it’s knees. I’m not body shaming myself. I just know that I’m not taking care of myself.

The appropriate response is, of course, self love, moderation, small changes in diet, exercise and creating good micro habits, right?

NOOOOOOO.

It’s panic Googling crash diets!! It’s going to expensive grocery stores and buying activated charcoal and ginger tea to help with bloating!

The point of this post is to document how much this effort pays off in the next 8 days. 8 days of copious water drinking, ginger tea each night, moderately clean eating and random bursts of exercise in between clients. Because this blog is not written by a mature, responsible individual. It’s written by the panicked, vain procrastinator that hides in most all of us.

If you don’t have one, we’re probably not friends but I do envy you.

Stay tuned for my wild transformation, guys!*

*I still really need a font for sarcasm.

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health and fitness, Wear It

Health Goth Goes Shopping

health goth
I’m working out with a trainer three days a week and I’ve never owned so many sports bras in my life. It’s disgusting. Never did I think I would thrill at the thought of new sports bras but yup, I am now that girl. However, I draw the line at color. You will not catch me in neon anything.
For my first few months at the gym I was wearing old leggings and muscle tees. I saw no point in buying overpriced  clothes just to dump sweat into them and throw them in the wash. And I stand by not spending $90 on yoga pants (ahem, Lululemon). That. Is. Stupid. But I do now understand purchasing clothes that were actually meant to be worked out in. For one, they perform better. Sweat wicking fabrics make your breasts less like suffocating bats during your workout. Your cotton tee just absorbs your boob sweat and then lays on your ladies like…a wet t-shirt… Secondly, if you feel sassy and excited when you put on your workout gear, you’re more likely to get your ass to the gym. I find laying out my gear the night before motivates me to crawl out of the husband and dog fart cocoon that is my bed and get moving.
I’m slowly amassing a collection of black, black, black and occasionally grey workout gear. So why not do a health goth collection every now and again here at VH to inspire myself and other likeminded health goths.
Here’s to working out! So that we can continue to drink too much, bum cigarettes from people, eat cheesy tots at two am and never drink enough water.

J tomson
amazon.com

Under Armour activewear top
$46 – nelly.com

Sports bra
victoriassecret.com

Puma shoes
puma.com

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