Awards Shows, fashion

The Met Gala 2017: The I’m gonna be nice edition


The Met Gala always sneaks up on me. I was chilling in my bathtub yesterday when BOOM my IG was inundated with Kendall Jenner’s tiny buttcheeks in a see through gown. Each year I write about the fashion and each year I show up to the party about three days late when the snark has all dried and we’ve moved on to more Kardashian butt photos. Side note, a friend of mine told me that you can put a Kardashian blocker on your web browser so that you never have to hear about them. How amazing is that??

The theme this year was Rei Kawakuba/Comme De Garcons which basically means get innovative but who cares because the celebrities pretty much just do whatever they want every year anyway. They generally try to top Rihanna which no one can ever do, this year being no exception.

Let us begin…

Bella Hadid


If you find yourself saying, huh, who the eff is this poor child in a crochet wetsuit, fear not, you’re not alone. Her mom was a real housewife and her dad is loaded so now she’s a model (after she got her nose and lips done….WHY DO I KNOW THIS???? WHY IS MY BRAIN NOT CAPABLE OF HOLDING ONTO ACTUAL USEFUL FACTS????) Bella is gorgeous and her ex-bf The Weeknd was showing up to this party with his new gf so of course she wanted to look stunning (again, I know I shouldn’t know this stuff as a 37 year old women). So whoever told her that a mohair catsuit was the look obviously is not #teambella.*
*I gotta say, guys, sometimes when this shit flows out of my fingers I really question myself but then I just let it go.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds


I could not care less how stunning these humans look or how I’m mildly obsessed with that dress. I just want to get beers with them. Or him. Mostly him. Not in a sexual way. I just want to play croquet or shuffle board and shoot the shit with Deadpool.

Cara Delevingne


Apparently Cara shaved her head for a movie role and then got a bunch of flack from internet trolls for not being as pretty without hair….Um…what? Gorgeous alien. The outfit is giving me grown up Judy Jetson but she’s a stunning human with or without hair. 

Gigi Hadid


Remember Bella? This is her sister. Also a model, less plastic surgery, dating a former One Direction member who looks like a hot 15 year old…fitting since she looks like a hot 15 year old. Gigi is very much having and Angelina moment with her leg. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you might as well leave this blog now. It was a thing. Mostly I just keep thinking of the lamp from A Christmas Story and I’m pretty sure that’s not what Gigi was going for. But she’s too young to remember that movie anyway.

Katy Perry


Oh Katy. Katy, Katy, Katy. Very La Isla Bonita Madonna in the Hunger Games. I may have watched the Part Of Me documentary and openly wept but I cannot with this look. Because Katy Perry, as hard as she tries, will never be avant garde. Not with a blonde buzz cut. Not with Orlando Bloom’s basking-in-the-sunshine weiner on a paddle board. Not eva. But you go girl. You do you.

Kendall Jenner


If you installed the Kardashian blocker on your browser…does this picture show up?? Kidding. Who cares. What you’d be missing is some vapid, self absorbed butt cheeks in glitter netting and a decent bikini wax.

Kylie Jenner


Fun fact: Kylie tried to trademark her name and Kylie Minogue (of Do The Locomotion fame) said, ah hell nah! And shut her down. That made me happy. I do not feel shitty about hating everything about this girl. I stopped blogging for a while because I don’t like contributing to the judgement and hatred of people who are famous. But this girl gets no sympathy from me. Her entire face has been redone which is fiiiiiiiiine by me but be honest. Don’t let 14 year old girls believe that buying your lip kit and contouring will turn them into you. Your children will have thin lips, tiny butts and big chins. Can’t hide DNA.

Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas

nick jo

The sexiest Carmen San Diego and the most constipated 14 year old to ever grace a red carpet. If they’re dating I will eat my shoe.

Helen Lasichanh and Pharrell Williams


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No one is cooler than these two. Pharrell looks like he’s recovering from getting stung in the face by bees and Helen looks like the kid in the snow suit from A Christmas Story (my god, I just uncovered the TRUE THEME!!!!) but they are still the absolute coolest. Ever. Just google pictures of them and bask in icy wave of barely try, try so hard hipster until your nipples freeze.



Okay so do you remember the trash pile lady in The Labyrinth? The movie with David Bowie’s epic man parts in stretch pants? No? You’re too young, go away. This is what the trash pile lady aspires to be. This is give no fucks, all eyes on me madness and I hate it but I love it because: Rihanna.

Rita Ora


Did your mom ever get stuff gift wrapped at a department store and the person doing it hated their job so much that they used a whole roll of tape and a giant bow and called it a day? That is this look.



Remember how I said Pharrell and his wife were the coolest? Scratch that. Solange is the coolest. I want to lay on her sleeping bag coat and absorb her greatness while her album is on full blast and she barely tolerates my presence.

This post is full of way too many references about 80’s movies but I’m highly caffeinated and in a rush. It’s date night and I have a subpar Tom Hanks movie to go watch to appease my husband. But at least it’s a beer theater. Blame him for the fact that Maddona, J. Lo, Kim K and Selena Gomez were left out of this post. Peace!



Awards Shows, fashion

No Pants Party! AMA Fashion Edition

Last night it seemed like a good idea to drink a bottle of white wine, eat half a pint of ice cream and watch Good Luck Chuck. I think it’s safe to say I’m feeling embarrassed about my life decisions. Mostly because I watched a Dane Cook movie of my own free will. So instead of unpacking things in my newly purchased house (!!!) like an actual adult, I’m laying in bed and looking at photos of celebrities who attended the American Music Awards last night. In order to further delay adulting, let’s focus on fashion instead of reading 18 more depressing news stories about Donald Trump on Facebook.

First off, there’s a severe lack of pants at this party. Also, I am currently not wearing pants in solidarity with Gwen Stefani.


The latest in goth swimwear. Doubles as a bug net and can be turned into a shelter in the forest. On the reals though, I would definitely kill a kitten to look like Gwen at age 46. I mean, GOOD GOD, PEOPLE. There is 100% a place that these older pop stars are going to bathe in the blood of virgins.



Jennifer Lopez

This lady is also 46. She also obviously is lounging in a pool of virgin blood with Gwen. Maybe they discuss their failed marriages while drinking kale and botox juice. Either way, WOW. That dress though, hard pass on the breast bondage.


Ariana Grande

Look, it’s a tiny, irritating ice skater wearing comically large Minnie Mouse high heels. You make my hangover more hangyovery.


Nicki Minaj

If Blanche from Golden Girls was going out for a night on the town looking for some man action, she would wear this. Or if She-Ra was going to an awards show, she would love this dress. If you’re too young to get She-Ra jokes then you need to get off my blog.


Keltie Knight

The only reason that I know who this chick is, is that my best friend once tried to set me up with Keltie’s husband. Obviously, this was before he was married to Keltie. Apparently I was not his type. His type is Keltie. He bought Keltie a HUUUUUGE ring. I can’t stop typing Keltie because it sounds like a type of irish horse breed. No shade. (Lies) That dress looks like the inside of a leprechaun’s car.


Jenny McCarthy

When you find that you’ve become irrelevant due to the fact that you’ve single handedly ruined your career by becoming the poster child for the anti-vac movement, dressing like an extra from Austin Powers will not re-light your dying stardom. Also, Jenny is only 43 and looks it. She’s not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub with J Lo and Gwen.




Julianne Hough

As a waxer, I’m thrilled that fashion is taking a turn towards exposing your bikini area when in formal wear. This means I’ll continue to have a job and perhaps even a rush of business. Though this trend has not yet made it’s way to Portland, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.


Jennifer Lopez again…

Another look that will require some waxing beforehand. Solid choice, J Lo! Though I’m confused as to how one sits in this dress. Perhaps the bathing in blood gives one the power to levitate as well and therefore she doesn’t need to sit.


Demi Lovato

The latest in hunting camo couture. Perfect for getting your man’s attention during duck hunting season.


Paula Abdul

I did a lot of dancing around my room to Cold Hearted Snake as a kid. Paula is 53 and not allowed in the virgin blood hot tub either. I’m pretty sure that gold collar is keeping her head propped up for her.


Hailee Steinfield

Let’s ignore the fact that she’s wearing stripper heels and a sexy school band uniform and focus on the fact that her debut single is an ode to masturbation. I LOVE IT.


Carrie Underwood

“Take the fucking picture and don’t tell me to show you the sleeves again. FML, I would so much rather be in sweatpants watching re-runs of Drag Race and eating beef jerky dipped in frosting.”-This is what I think is going through her head because every time I read an interview with her she seems to just not give a shit about stardom and I dig that.



If you ever want to feel motivated to work out and eat less bread, just watch any Ciara video ever. Fair warning though, it may have the reverse effect and you might decide to go on a donut binge instead because we all know we’ll never in our wildest dreams be as hot as her.


Ellie Goulding

This dress appears to have been made during Project Runway’s unconventional materials challenge. Or it’s from Rave. I really need to stop making Rave jokes since no one who isn’t from small town Northern California knows what it is. It’s worse than Wet Seal, people!! Also, who the F named a teen clothing store Wet Seal?



Irritating, tiny ice skater is back….

I hope she impales herself on that award. That’s another Project Runway dress. A losing one. AUF WIEDERSEHEN!!!!!


Kendall Jenner

All jokes aside, for the love of god, get this girl some In n’ Out.


Kylie Jenner

Kylie has 40 MILLION  Instagram followers. That is terrifying and gives me no hope for the future. I hope she’s going to renfair after this to show off that dress.


Gigi Hadid

My problem with Gigi is that she has an epically gorgeous body and then the face of a pretty 12 year old. Much like Selena Gomez. It’s very disconcerting. Also, this just in: I’M OLD.

Shockingly, my ass is starting to hurt from sitting in bed and blogging. This must be yet another sign that I’m old. I can’t even lounge in bed without it hurting. GREAT. How do I get into that virgin blood hot tub with Gwen and J Lo? I’ll bring the kale juice, guys! Invite meeeeeee!!!

Is it worth it to keep doing these fashion round ups?