Awards Shows, fashion

The Met Gala 2017: The I’m gonna be nice edition

 

The Met Gala always sneaks up on me. I was chilling in my bathtub yesterday when BOOM my IG was inundated with Kendall Jenner’s tiny buttcheeks in a see through gown. Each year I write about the fashion and each year I show up to the party about three days late when the snark has all dried and we’ve moved on to more Kardashian butt photos. Side note, a friend of mine told me that you can put a Kardashian blocker on your web browser so that you never have to hear about them. How amazing is that??

The theme this year was Rei Kawakuba/Comme De Garcons which basically means get innovative but who cares because the celebrities pretty much just do whatever they want every year anyway. They generally try to top Rihanna which no one can ever do, this year being no exception.

Let us begin…

Bella Hadid

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If you find yourself saying, huh, who the eff is this poor child in a crochet wetsuit, fear not, you’re not alone. Her mom was a real housewife and her dad is loaded so now she’s a model (after she got her nose and lips done….WHY DO I KNOW THIS???? WHY IS MY BRAIN NOT CAPABLE OF HOLDING ONTO ACTUAL USEFUL FACTS????) Bella is gorgeous and her ex-bf The Weeknd was showing up to this party with his new gf so of course she wanted to look stunning (again, I know I shouldn’t know this stuff as a 37 year old women). So whoever told her that a mohair catsuit was the look obviously is not #teambella.*
*I gotta say, guys, sometimes when this shit flows out of my fingers I really question myself but then I just let it go.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds

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I could not care less how stunning these humans look or how I’m mildly obsessed with that dress. I just want to get beers with them. Or him. Mostly him. Not in a sexual way. I just want to play croquet or shuffle board and shoot the shit with Deadpool.

Cara Delevingne

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Apparently Cara shaved her head for a movie role and then got a bunch of flack from internet trolls for not being as pretty without hair….Um…what? Gorgeous alien. The outfit is giving me grown up Judy Jetson but she’s a stunning human with or without hair. 

Gigi Hadid

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Remember Bella? This is her sister. Also a model, less plastic surgery, dating a former One Direction member who looks like a hot 15 year old…fitting since she looks like a hot 15 year old. Gigi is very much having and Angelina moment with her leg. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you might as well leave this blog now. It was a thing. Mostly I just keep thinking of the lamp from A Christmas Story and I’m pretty sure that’s not what Gigi was going for. But she’s too young to remember that movie anyway.

Katy Perry

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Oh Katy. Katy, Katy, Katy. Very La Isla Bonita Madonna in the Hunger Games. I may have watched the Part Of Me documentary and openly wept but I cannot with this look. Because Katy Perry, as hard as she tries, will never be avant garde. Not with a blonde buzz cut. Not with Orlando Bloom’s basking-in-the-sunshine weiner on a paddle board. Not eva. But you go girl. You do you.

Kendall Jenner

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If you installed the Kardashian blocker on your browser…does this picture show up?? Kidding. Who cares. What you’d be missing is some vapid, self absorbed butt cheeks in glitter netting and a decent bikini wax.

Kylie Jenner

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Fun fact: Kylie tried to trademark her name and Kylie Minogue (of Do The Locomotion fame) said, ah hell nah! And shut her down. That made me happy. I do not feel shitty about hating everything about this girl. I stopped blogging for a while because I don’t like contributing to the judgement and hatred of people who are famous. But this girl gets no sympathy from me. Her entire face has been redone which is fiiiiiiiiine by me but be honest. Don’t let 14 year old girls believe that buying your lip kit and contouring will turn them into you. Your children will have thin lips, tiny butts and big chins. Can’t hide DNA.

Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas

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The sexiest Carmen San Diego and the most constipated 14 year old to ever grace a red carpet. If they’re dating I will eat my shoe.

Helen Lasichanh and Pharrell Williams

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No one is cooler than these two. Pharrell looks like he’s recovering from getting stung in the face by bees and Helen looks like the kid in the snow suit from A Christmas Story (my god, I just uncovered the TRUE THEME!!!!) but they are still the absolute coolest. Ever. Just google pictures of them and bask in icy wave of barely try, try so hard hipster until your nipples freeze.

RIHANNA!!!!!

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Okay so do you remember the trash pile lady in The Labyrinth? The movie with David Bowie’s epic man parts in stretch pants? No? You’re too young, go away. This is what the trash pile lady aspires to be. This is give no fucks, all eyes on me madness and I hate it but I love it because: Rihanna.

Rita Ora

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Did your mom ever get stuff gift wrapped at a department store and the person doing it hated their job so much that they used a whole roll of tape and a giant bow and called it a day? That is this look.

Solange

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Remember how I said Pharrell and his wife were the coolest? Scratch that. Solange is the coolest. I want to lay on her sleeping bag coat and absorb her greatness while her album is on full blast and she barely tolerates my presence.

This post is full of way too many references about 80’s movies but I’m highly caffeinated and in a rush. It’s date night and I have a subpar Tom Hanks movie to go watch to appease my husband. But at least it’s a beer theater. Blame him for the fact that Maddona, J. Lo, Kim K and Selena Gomez were left out of this post. Peace!

 

 

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health and fitness

Inside The Head Of A Procrastinator Preparing For Vacation

You would think that as a 37 year old woman I would not be using my downtime between clients to Google “how to lose weight in 7 days”. My fingers recoiled in shame only slightly as I typed out the words though. Because while, yes, I am an adult, I am also a desperate and vain adult.

I’m going to New Orleans with a group of friends in 8 days. This trip has been planned for months. I had ample time to work out, eat clean…get botox…find a time machine….. go back to 2007 when my ass was 4 inches higher and my high waist jeans didn’t feel like they were cutting off the circulation to my very soul.

But I did not.

I kept doing that thing that we procrastinators do where we look ahead and say, “Oh cool, I have two months left. Plenty of time.”

Which then turns to, “Oh cool, I have a month left. I just need to work hard.”

Which turns to, “Shit, I have two weeks left. I’ll eat super clean, drink gallons of water and stop drinking booze.”

And finally landing at, “FUCK. I have 8 days left, I’ll just drink this laxative tea, eat cotton balls and lettuce, Google weight loss tips from Allure magazine and do lunges across the salon in my downtime.”

I am aware that this is madness.

I am also aware that we are in an age of body positivity and that every body is a bikini body.

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I KNOW this in my logical mind. But….

I plan on writing a longer piece about this later on but the bottom line is that I am uncomfortable in my own body. I’ve spent my entire life nitpicking what was essentially an effortlessly thin frame. This year, my metabolism finally hit a wall and I feel like a stranger in a strange land. A land where one cannot subsist on nacho cheese and whiskey alone.

So, yes, every body is beautiful. I just feel that I’ve betrayed mine. Like a really beautiful horse that I promised to take care of, groom and exercise and instead I let it’s mane get matted and it’s gut fall to it’s knees. I’m not body shaming myself. I just know that I’m not taking care of myself.

The appropriate response is, of course, self love, moderation, small changes in diet, exercise and creating good micro habits, right?

NOOOOOOO.

It’s panic Googling crash diets!! It’s going to expensive grocery stores and buying activated charcoal and ginger tea to help with bloating!

The point of this post is to document how much this effort pays off in the next 8 days. 8 days of copious water drinking, ginger tea each night, moderately clean eating and random bursts of exercise in between clients. Because this blog is not written by a mature, responsible individual. It’s written by the panicked, vain procrastinator that hides in most all of us.

If you don’t have one, we’re probably not friends but I do envy you.

Stay tuned for my wild transformation, guys!*

*I still really need a font for sarcasm.

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Grab Bag of Ridiculous

The Shallow End rears it’s ugly head again! The least consistent but always entertaining grab bag that this Thursday has to offer you!

What was David Bowie doing when he was your age? Something WAY cooler than you are currently doing. I can pretty much guarantee that.

-Is anyone else watching the new X-Files? This story about weird sounds in Oregon that can’t be explained made me picture Fox Mulder standing in a field in Forest Grove with his head cocked, listening and wondering if the mothership will descend soon.

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I do have to say DAMN, SCULLY!!! She looks so freakin’ amazing. Duchovny on the other hand looks a little bit like a crumpled paper bag but I still WOULD. Roll Mulder and Hank Moody into one and I’m slayed.

-My therapist is wise and always tells me don’t read the comments!!! Solid advice for a life that doesn’t make you want to throw your computer at a wall.

-Oh, Rihanna. I can’t stop loving you.  I want to be at this club, tipsy on whiskey, hiding in a corner and soaking it all in.

 

 

View story at Medium.com

-If you have somehow not seen “Formation” by Beyonce then you’re missing out on something important. It’s easy to dismiss pop music as meaningless entertainment, as my husband does. I tried talking to him about this video and all I got was an eye roll. This is powerful. My dear friend sent me an article about it that goes into depth about the message behind the imagery.

 

-I will never be cool enough to understand certain fashion trends. Fendi is making ruffle shoes and bags that look like muppets caught in a kaleidoscope.

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-There’s so many articles on how to host an Oscar party. Is this really a thing? People do this? Here’s an idea: Invite all your closest friends, dress up sassy and go to a bar instead. And don’t watch the Oscars. Spoiler alert: Leo is going to win and the bear rape rumors weren’t even true!

-Speaking of Leo, have you seen his Russian “twin”?

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He’s even got an Instagram account where he dresses up like Leo and he got his own reality TV show. What a world we live in!

Now, to go out and enjoy this gorgeous February fake out weather or stay here at work at TREAT and pilfer more candy? MORE CANDY ALWAYS!!!!!!!

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Buy It, fashion, Girl Crush, Uncategorized, Wear It

Buy This: Julie K Lingerie

What could possibly be better than a beautiful redheaded woman hand making lingerie in her Scottish hometown while her adorable dogs lounge near her? Paint me a more enjoyable picture. You cannot. Unless you add whiskey.

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Julie K Lingerie is hand sewn by one lady and one lady only. So in the midst of all this where can I find ethical clothing hullabaloo, she is the perfect person to spotlight. Not only can you have affordable, gorgeous lingerie, you can buy it safely cocooned in the knowledge that no one has suffered for the lacy pretty things that now cover your bits.

I’ve been following Julie for years on social media. It’s been amazing to watch her talent and her business grow. It certainly doesn’t hurt that both her and the friends she uses as models are stunning women with a refreshing variety of body types. I highly recommend following her on Instagram where she re-grams photos of her real customers wearing her creations.

My absolute favorite is the Cristina Bra. Named for the breathtaking Cristina Blackwater (Gogo), it’s simple, delicate and has matching panties to boot.

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Everything is custom made and there are limited amounts of some fabrics. It’s a good idea to follow the IG so you can be kept up to date on what’s available.

The price point is so amazing for hand made lingerie! Pieces ranges from about $40-60.

 

If that doesn’t convince you then perhaps you need to look at this:

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Dreamy undies and puppies. There is nothing better, people. Nothing. Now go forth and order some magic for yourself. Then pat yourself on your fine lingerie clad ass for supporting a small business.

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Advice, fashion, Social Commentary

Dammit, Nasty Gal

It’s been two months now (that is a total guesstamation) since I’ve bought any clothing from Forever21 or H&M. Or at least it’s been long enough that I genuinely can’t remember the last time I spent an hour cruising through the multi floored Clackamas Town Center Forever21, loading my arms up with $19 Stevie Nicksy velvet dresses and $4 tank tops. I think the addiction has officially been killed.

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Also, come on now….

I’m impressed with myself because I work pretty much only on a system of instant gratification. But once I put it on the damn blog, I usually have to follow through.

Sidenote: my winter coat is from Forever21. A big beast of a tan parka lined with faux fur. I got it at Buffalo Exchange during last year’s HUGE snow storm (sarcasm font, where is my sarcasm font??) and ladies fall all over themselves over that  jacket. But dammit, it was second hand so I feel less bad about it.

So where have I been shopping instead?

The honest answer is I have no idea where to shop currently.

I was all excited about Nasty Gal since I can buy clothing made in good ol’ Los Angeles. A higher price point and a made in the USA tag made me feel like I was doing something better than giving to the fast fashion empire of Forever21.

But then you read articles like this detailing how the Nasty Gal founder is a bad boss who fires pregnant women to avoid paying maternity leave and if that wasn’t enough finding things like this about sweatshops in L.A..

Granted, running a million dollar brand isn’t done by just one person. It’s not like Sophia Amoruso is calling every single shot. But still. It makes me feel a bit icky supporting that.

So I’m back on the hunt for affordably priced clothing that isn’t made in sweatshops and don’t have terrible people running the business.

Deep sigh here, kids.

Alta Gracia  is a living wage company and that’s awesome. I sure do wish their clothing was…fashionable….

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Reformation makes legit, beautiful clothes that I can’t find any reason to not buy. Other than paying over $100 for one dress is hard to swallow.

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Though I know all the work that can go into sewing one dress. Paying $100 shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It means having less pieces in your closet but having better quality ones. Dresses that maybe you won’t fling on the floor and let your dog sleep on….

Good Guide can hep you figure out everything from if your shampoo is green to the social impact of the clothing you buy. Sounds useful and depressing!

These are big changes to make. Green shampoo, cruelty free make-up, ethical clothing. Not to mention what you eat, the trash you produce and OHMYGODMYHEADISGOINGTOEXPLODE!!!!!!!!

Take it in baby steps. Do a little research. Pick one thing and focus on it. I’ll be here at my desk, slugging down ethically grown coffee and organic nacho cheese shots and trying to find more ethical fashion for you to throw money at.

xo-Monroe

 

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Shallow End

The Shallow End: A Weekly Vanity Hag Grab Bag

 

I have a champagne hangover and a mountain of dishes to wash but instead, let us dive headfirst into the shallow end!

-First off, in I HATE EVERYONE news: spooning is sexist now. If you need me I’ll be ripping out my hair, eating it and then moving to the country where there is no internet access.

-But then I’d miss stories like these! Who needs diamonds when you have teeth?!

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Yes, I just made you look at a Buzzfeed article. But it’s better than linking to Jezebel, dammit.

 

-This lady is the most messaged woman on OKcupid and she would like to share her knowledge with you.

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The secret is to have EPIC EYEBROWS!! She’s stunning all around but if it was still culturally relevant to say her brows are “on fleek” or even #onfleek then I would say that. But I’m hip enough to know that the kids aren’t saying that anymore.

Sidenote: Whenever my mom referred to herself as “still hip” when I was a kid I was confused because I thought that meant at some point she would not have hips. I was a very literal kid. 

-I love everything about this.

-It’s gift giving season! I have a tendency to just give everyone bottles of booze because I wait til the last minute and panic. If I wasn’t the queen of procrastination then I would surely be gifting someone a pair of these epic undies from Bullets and Bees. Golden Girls, Alf, Ryan Gosling, kittens!

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-Also on my gift giving list would be every single book by the amazing Chuck Tingle. Do yourself and favor and google image search his name and then die laughing at all his titles. Please do not do that if dinosaur erotica is offensive to you though…

 

-Meet a mysterious lady who smashes her face into different kids of bread. No, seriously. That’s all she does. I fully support this.

-According to Mtv, the next generation of kids will be known as The Founders. They will also be known as the kids who look frantically at their phones when a credit card company recording asks them to press the pound button because all they see is the hashtag button.

I leave you now with the glory that is Ladybaby.

Good day to you, my V Haggers!

 

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Boggled, dammit, fashion, Social Commentary

The Cult Of Fast Fashion

Hello, my name is Monroe and I’m a fast fashionaholic. It’s been 1 month since I’ve purchased a $4.80 tank top from Forever 21 and 3 weeks since buying a sweater for $14.99 from H&M.

As we go into winter months and my closet is still brimming with flimsy tanks meant for 90 degree river trips, it’s hard to not steer my car towards the nearest mall. Plus I love a good mall pretzel in cold weather. Or any weather. Basically just cover me in nacho cheese and call it a day.

I, like most women,  avoided watching The True Cost. It sat there on Netflix, totally free and ready to be streamed. It waited patiently next to Blackfish. Things I cared about, wanted to know about but also knew would be upsetting to watch and thus started a marathon of The Great British Baking Show instead.

But I finally did watch it and the images can’t be unseen. I can’t buy a $3 tank top and know why it’s that cheap and how it got into my hands and be okay with that.

Duh. We all know that before we even watch it. But it’s very easy to avoid watching it. To fully be aware that what we’re doing is wrong but to keep doing it because it’s easy and convenient.

This chick. Oy. She does these videos all the time and she’s now “youtube famous”. Yes, I put quotes around it like a damn grandma because it’s not a real thing to me. I hate that it’s a thing. Oh and now she’s trying to be a singer. Barf. But hey, you go girl…

Pretty sure Bethany Mota doesn’t give two shits about where all her “hauls” come from or who made them. She’s even in The True Cost in a compilation clip of fashion vloggers holding up all their bags and bags of clothes. Even if you did sit her down and make her watch it, I can’t imagine she would care because now she’s in business with these companies, making perfumes and being free advertising for them.

Barf. Barf to you being irresponsible with your platform.

But hey, girl power…..

I’m trying, guys. I’m trying to be nice.

I’ve spent my entire adult life shopping at stores like Forever21 (and joking that there needs to be a Forever31) because I don’t want to grow up and pay $50 for a tank top. I didn’t want the inconvenience of having to find clothes made in the USA or by local designers. It’s a hell of a hard habit to break.

Using cruelty free products, not buying fast fashion, knowing where your food comes from, working out and eating things other than nacho cheese.  These are all adult, responsible things we should be doing. They are hard. They take more time. They make us cranky.

Do it anyway. 

Pick one. Start doing it. 

I started with cosmetics, now I’m working on my closet. I only buy nice cheese from places I know because I don’t have the strength to not occasionally bathe in nacho cheese. Someday I’ll work out again. After December….

In honor of that, all month I’ll feature different designers/small businesses that you can give your money to in good conscience. I’ve been doing a lot of research. And by research I mean I may have spent too much while cyber Monday shopping…..

But by all means, please tell me some places to shop that are ethical, don’t look like cult clothes and won’t cost me $300 for a t-shirt.

I can’t stop with the polls now. Just because you guys love turtles so much.

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